In Denial... No More

She's one of my earliest best friends. We've known each other since 6th grade. We weren't always there for eah other when we were kids but a lot has changed as we grew older. Our friendship is one that is tested by major fights, time and distance. We've endured all those trials... or maybe it was just me who kept the faith, I don't know.

Each time she has a problem... she messed up, she's screwed up, she'd call me for help. I was there to just listen and to snap her out of her insanity. I always try my best to be available when these times come for I know I'm the only one she trusts this much.

But when things are well, she wouldn't call... wouldn't text... not even a hi or hello. She forgot my birthday... for the past two years... and now, seem to have forgotten me this Christmas.

I used to deny that this is what she does. I refused to believe that she only remembers me when she needs me, but I guess it's all true. That's what she does... just like now. It pains me so much to accept this truth. A part of me, I know, still resists to accept it to be true. I don't know... But I guess with the New Year coming in, I owe it to myself to keep things real and not lie to myself anymore. I don't want to cover up for her anymore. Maybe she's busy... maybe she's out of town... maybe she doesn't have phone credits... I really don't know...

She's still my best friend... I would still be here when she needs me... But this time, I want myself to accept the fact that she hurts me... Sometimes I wonder, does she know how much I care? Someday, I hope she realizes that I need her too... Maybe even more than she ever needed me... That I want her to check on me sometimes... that a simple "hi" would make a difference... Oh well, she's still my best friend... Nothing can change that, I guess. Only now, I am in denial... no more...

Grrrrrinch Attack

One thing that can ruin my perfect Christmas is a kid. No, not just any kid... but a whiny, not-cute-at-all, and irritatingly annoying kid. One kid that fits this description just came by. I swear, I felt my blood pressure rise and my heart started beating real fast. She's such a people-pleaser, it makes me sick and want to choke her to death. I would've gotten through the ten-minute experience by not looking at her, but guess what, she started crying downstairs and wailed most annoyingly! I so hate that kid and I don't want to have anything to do with her!!! Oh well, good thing, she's out of the house... now, I can have my perfect Christmas back... =)

Happy Holidays, Etc.

I finally got some time off from work. It's times like these when I start getting all emotional and begin reflecting about my life.

I'm tired of working. Oftentimes, I have to ask myself why I have to work -- or at least why I have to stay at my job. Not once have I felt regret about wanting to grow up fast and become independent. But looking at my life now and how good it is makes me happy and overflowing with contentment. Iy may not be perfect but it's just right for me. I have a nice job where I've found great friends, my wife's with me and we're so in love as always... what can go wrong?

Times like these, it makes me wonder why there are people out there who would kill themseves. I know there are a lot of people who are not as lucky as I am, but hey, there are a lot of things in life -- simple things, which for me makes life worth living. There's always a good friend, a good laugh, a good burp or a good fart, a good movie, a good song -- all these things make life worth living. But then again, that's just me and obviously, there are some who do not see things that way.

So what do I plan to do this coming year? I don't know! Save money, I gues... I've been spending a whole lot this past year -- but don't get me wrong -- I've been spending my hard-earned money over useful things. I've read once in Cosmo that a person should have 6 months worth of his/her salary in the bank so that no matter what happens (suddenly loses a job, etc.), you wouldn't be in deep financial shit. 6 MONTHS??? Never gonna happen to me! No, not in this lifetime!

Oh well, I've been learning to keep a positive attitude about most things in my life. Like my plans of studying or writing or owning a business, they will happen someday. I don't know when that someday is, but what the heck?! One's never too old to study or write or become a business owner, right? I'd rather take baby steps to reach my goals than come running, rushing to it then get tired and not get there at all...

So there, these are my reflections as of today. Nothing more for me to say.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL and MAY WE ALL HAVE A PRODUCTIVE AND FULFILLING YEAR AHEAD!!!

|BadGirl`Fiction| : You Don't Know Me

Bitch! The word doesn't even begin to describe you. It's too tame to describe all the evil you possess. You are deceptive -- a master of lies, a goddess of pretensions. You led everyone on... everyone, including the person you said you loved.

How dare you! How dare you pretend to be someone you are not. Befriending everyone in her life, using them all to satisfy your thirst to deceive and play with people's lives!

But you don't know me. I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. The anger that they all felt once before but has now forgotten has fed me throughout the years. God knows how much I hate you. You can never deny the truth. The truth of who you once were and everything you have done then -- no matter how much you claim that you have already changed.

You don't know me. Someday, you'll feel sorry that you ever hurt her. You will suffer, I tell you... you will suffer from my wrath and there is no turning back... No, not even forgiveness will save you.

You are so vile, you make me sick... so sick that it has become pure, unadulterated hate... I feel nothing else for you but hate... the hate that will lead me to you and make you suffer...

I swear... I will make you suffer.

Gusto mo bang malaman ang pakiramdam ng isang hand towel na nakasabit sa pinto ng ref?

Alam mo ba ang pakiramdam ng isang hand towel na nakasabit sa pinto ng ref? Gusto mo bang malaman? Madali lang.

Umupo ka sa unang upuan pagsampa mo ng jeep habang maulan. Para ma-maximize ang experience na ito, siguraduhing ikaw ang unang pasahero ng jeep at maghintay na mapuno ito. Magtiwala ka – mapa-kamay, bag, at syempre payong – siguradong matutuyo kahit kaunti matapos maipunas sa iyong pantalon. At mula dyan ay malalaman mo ang pakiramdam ng isang hand towel na nakasabit sa pinto ng ref…

Crossroads

I feel so torn. I feel happy with my life right now, yet I know that I want more. There are a lot of things I want to do and wish to accomplish, if only I have the time and given the chance. Is there hope left for a dreamer like me? People say that I'm still young and need not rush but I guess my greatest fear is not to run out of time but to find myself giving up and out of passion. Oh God... please don't let me give up just yet and please keep my fires of ambition burning...

my life right now sucks!!!

im so pissed right now. i have a lot of stuff going on these days that i barely have time to do the things i really want to do.

sometimes, i just want to disappear from the ofc and be able to stay home and do anything i want.

time like these, i so hate being a grown-up!

I am sleepy

I want to go home now. I'm so sleepy.

My U.S. coaches will be leaving this weekend. For some reason, I feel sad about it. I'm never good with goodbyes...

Time Management Issues

I have a lot of things going on right now. I seem to have a problem managing my time.

My work is at night and it totally drains my energy during the day, unless of course it's my off -- during which i seem to have super powers 'cause I can go 24hrs or more without sleeping.

I've been trying to write a novel for NaNoWriMo but I'm now stuck at Chapter II.

I promised to help a good friend with a concert she's organizing for her students.

We're having some major cleaning at home and trying to organize our stuff, and i'm the one who has the most abubot and it's taking me forever to finish up.

One of my best friends has a major problem with her relationship, while another good friend is coming home from Taiwan on the 20th and of course, I want to prepare something for her (like get our friends together, etc)

I know I'm doing all these to myself, taking in too much responsibilities. But sometimes, I can't help it! I find it hard saying no to my friends, who i love soooooo much (esp my best friend who's like my sister already) and I honestly like taking on stuff, which are not at all work-related so I can strike a balance and prevent myself from getting burnt-out.

i just hope hope I can manage my time more. Be able to follow through on my responsibilities at home, attend to my friends' needs and of course, write (which i've been trying soooooo hard to squeeze into my sked since I started working).

One good thing though, I'm never without time for my wife, who's the love of my life. I can go on for a weekend and not do anything productive as long as I'm able to spend quality time for her.

Sheeessshhh... it feels good just writing abt it. Now this is what I call therapy! :)

Goodluck to me and thanks to anyone who ever finds the time to read this. :)

Life is Good... but Weird

My life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride since I don't know... last week?

A couple of Sundays back, my wife and I got a couple of office tables from her office (duh?) as we were doing some spring cleaning and giving our house a makeover. I spent the whole afternoon in my Mom's house where I gleefully played with my feline siblings. I also had a manicure and pedicure and had the manicurista paint my nails black (my favorite).

The next day, Monday, I wasn't able to come to work because of asthma, which went really well with my skin allergies. I also noticed that my big toes (on both feet) were a bit painful and well, a little swollen.

I finally went to work on Tuesday when I had I think a couple of sales with really lame points (well, what's new?!) My feet felt more painful by this time. So when I went home Wednesday morning, I carefull washed it with Hydrogen Peroxide (I would've impressed you by putting in the chemical formula but I don't know what it is), put a drop of Betadine and wrapped it with band-aid.

When I woke up Wednesday evening, my toes were throbbing and they got really swollen and gross. Pain factor I should say was 8 with the gross factor of 7. Again, I wasn't able to come to work and had to take a bath wearing plastic bags on my feet!

Come Thursday morning, seeing a doctor was my first agenda the whole day. The pain has gone unbearable. Gross factor increased from yesterday's 7 to 8.5! I was more bitchy than usual, very impatient and detached. I wouldn't talk to anyone and wouldn't even cuddle up with my wifey.

Because of the antibiotics and the pain reliever the doctor prescribed, I was like a kid on a school night until Friday evening. I'm automatically asleep by 9PM and up by 5 or 6AM.

Saturday was a lot better because the shoe cabinet and the chest of drawers we ordered a week before came. We spent the day sorting, purging and cleaning our shoes. That evening, I received a call from my boss telling me that my old college asked me to give a talk about beuilding a career in the Call Center industry. I was so excited, but worried at the same time. I mean, what on earth will I talk about?!

Sunday was especially fun because my parents brought the bookshelf, side table and coffee/center table we asked to be repaired. We were so amazed with how my Dad's painters were able to restore and repaint them! The coffee/center table we've had since I was tiny ( I even have a picture posed on top of it!) now looks brand new! Because of the thrill and excitement, we accomplished a lot of sorting, purging and containerizing. My mom stayed the whole morning until early afternoon to help up in cleaning up. We were so tired by the end of the day.

Monday morning, I had to wake up early because I need to be in the office by 11:30AM. I prepared my speech -- at least an outline of how it should go. It felt weird being back in the old school. The place changed a lot! Walking along the corridors gave me a warm, familiar feeling yet I know it felt different at the same time. I was starstruck though when I saw my favorite English professor and she asked me a lot of questions about the industry and what I do exactly! I was really tensed knowing that she'll listen to my speech and all that! The talk went well (Thank God!). It turned out that it was for the graduating class. They were very cooperative and attentive. They also asked a few questions, all of which I should say were quite smart. It felt really nice to know that your audience was actually listening!

Tuesday and Wednesday, I handled calls again and made very few sales (again).

Thursday, I wasn't able to come in (again) because the antibiotics totally upset my stomach and made me throw up. I had to munch on antacid the whole night until the following morning. It was really bad.

Friday, I finally went back to work and made no sale. But I was very happy to just have fun with my teammates. I missed them a lot when I was out sick the previous week.

I wasn't really excited to come home this Saturday morning, knowing that my wifey isn't home. I slept the whole morning (after downloading some cool N6600 themes) and met up with her later that afternoon to buy our Christmas presents for each other. I'm so happy!!! I finally got my TwinMOS Go2Music Mobile Disk/MP3 Player! =) My wife has been teasing me because I always, ALWAYS wear it around my neck and would listen to it whenever, wherever. Oh well, we didn't do much after that but get tipsy -- tipsy enough to just fall asleep.

Sunday, we spent in a spa. It was really refreshing to have a foot spa, facial and whole body massage after a couple of weeks of getting sick, stress and a lot of physical strain from the spring cleaning.

Now, my toes are a lot better and I'm happy to be finally off the phones. I'm almost done with my clean up -- almost but not quite. I had a relaxing day at the spa and got enough booze in my brain to knock me out. My wifey and I haven't had a big fight in weeks and we were both able to spend time with our families.

See, some days my life totally sucks, yet other days, I can't help but be thankful for all the things I have...

Hope it's not to late to change the title of this article...

Life may be weird... but it definitely is good... no, make that great... =)

Malungkot ang Buhay Ko

Bakit sa pelikula, nung inukit 'to ni regine sa isang bench, nagka-love life sya? Ako, eto... feeling ko matatapos na ang love life kaya nasabi ko yan.

Haaayyy... sana parang pelikula ang buhay. Pero nde.

Shet.

Hirap maging aktres... lalo na yung manhid-ako-school-of-acting. Kahit hurt, dedma lng. Wag papahalata. You wouldn't want to upset anyone.

Pag ikaw na ang palpak, weird how everything blows out of proportion. Parang ikaw na bigla ang pinakamasamang elemento sa balat ng lupa. You deserve to be hated and be left alone.

Haaayyy buhay... araw-araw pasakit. Mahirap mabuhay, just to be ourselves. You want to break free... you feel restrained. But if you ever do... pagsisisihan mo -- sigurado yan.

Pag may nakaabot pa sa part nito ng sinusulat ko, pakipost ng address mo sa bahay at ipadadala ko na lng ang tropeo mo sa pagiging labis na matyagang magbasa ng hinanakit ng iba.

Wala nang kapupuntahan to... Hhhmmm? Parang love life ko?

Scary naman yon...

Pano nga kaya kung bigla na lang kmeng matapos? Kaya ko kaya?

Sana... Sana...

Kitchiemania

I fell in love with her voice and her music when I first saw her video, Run on MTV. I'm so happy now that her debut album is finally out.

Kitchie Nadal's self-titled album is packed with ten amazing tracks. My favorite of which are Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin and the acoustic version of Same Ground. One can play her entire CD and get totally warped into a roller-coaster ride of emotions -- from being spiritual to angry to bitter. It's a real treat for someone like me, whose stress level is reaching its all time high and for anyone else who appreciates good music.

For more information and pictures of the amazing Kitchie, visit her website.


*****************************************************


WAG NA WAG MONG SASABIHIN
Kitchie Nadal

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't di mapakali, Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin sa mga sinabi mo na

Iba'ng nararapat sa akin na tunay kong mamahalin

***O... Wag na wag mong sasabihin na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

Ano man ang inaakala
Na ako'y isang bituin na walang sasambahin
’Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot langit ang daing sa mga sinabi mo na...

Iba'ng nararapat sa akin na tunay kong mamahalin

***

At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa'yo...
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa'yo...



*****************************************************


SAME GROUND
Kitchie Nadal

My love
It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you the way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game
It's strange I never would've wanted until there was you
Because I learned that love is beyond what human can imagine
The more it clears the more I have to let you go

***’Cause what I don't understand is why I'm feeling so bad now
When I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground

My love
It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you the way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game
It's strange I never would've wanted until there was you
Because I have learned that love is a word that gets thrown a little bit too much
The best excuse to fill this infinite abyss
I never have to if all else fail

***

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me
When all else fail
Would you be brave to see right through me...

My CFS CFS!

My CFS CFS means: My Customer-Focused Sales call flow sucks!

A couple of weeks back, I've started training for a sales account. Since time immemorial, I've taken it to myself that selling is not my thing. Not that I hate it hate it, but I'm just not good at it. But still, I kept an open mind... taking in everything... studying, researching (which has been very fun, by the way), plus, I have the greatest American coaches who have been very supportive and all... but just the same, I'm not happy!!!

Oh, shoot! Since Friday last week, we have been taking calls and I just hated it. I guess it really is true that you start missing the things you have when they're gone. I used to say that I'm tired of monitoring calls but now, God I miss monitoring!!!

Last night, I wasn't able to go to work. Since I woke up yesterday and then again this morning, I have been palpitating. I guess my stress level has once again reached its all-time high. I haven't been very friendly. I've been snapping at my wife since the other day and totally bitched at the Customer Service Dept of my internet provider, for which I'm thankful for nothing, since they weren't able to assist me and that I fixed the problem by myself. This is reallllllyyyy bad.

Somebody, anybody, help me!!! Please stop this nightmare!!!

Love Lessons from Experience : Theirs not Mine

for NaNoBlogMo
***writing starts Nov 1st***

The Secret behind "Sadness Speaks"

"Sadness Speaks" is definitely the one work that has made me feel proud of my writing after quite a while. Since I graduated from college, I never really had the venue to write. Well, there's the message board where I would air out my thoughts but they're generally real-life expressions and more on opinions rather that creative writing (although I've also done that there several times).

Well anyway, "Sadness Speaks" is officially my most emotional work to date. My works normally have a sarcastic tone, or maybe even bitter but that one was especially draining. I had a couple of friends telling me how heavy-hearted they felt after reading it, while my baby sister in the office actually cried -- not because it happened to her, but she already experienced being in that situation of being left behind and reading the story just generally changed her perspective, making her appreciate her boyfriend more. Plus of course, my virtual friend actually checked on me, asked me if that really happened! I was really touched by her concern, but fortunately, "Sadness Speaks" is pure fiction.

So everyone might be wondering, how on earth was I able to draw out such great emotion out of my system, writing as if I actually lost a loved one? Well, the secret is rather surprising. I was listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal" the whole time that I was writing -- as in, it was looped in my Windows Media Player. And trust me, I was crying virtually the whole time that I was typing. Of course, I also had to relate some of my personal experiences like how I would've felt if I lose my wife now, how my world would probably fall apart and stuff like that. Well, if there's anything real about the story, it's the fact that I don't know any sort of life without her. I mean, we've been together since I graduated from college and moved out of our parents' house. So anyone could just imagine how painful it will be if all that will be taken away from me.

So there... the secret's out. Hopefully, I'd be able to write more fiction -- or simply write more in general -- in spite of my busy sked... and of course, have some stuff published again... just like in ancient times... :)

Soundtrack Girl

I have a new "thing." This is a fascination that I just found myself to already have. I recently noticed that I love soundtracks. The songs I download, the MP3s I convert to .wav files for my phone... they're all from my favorite movies or TV shows. Some are not even songs, for crying out loud!

Even when I was in college, my friends were like "Duh?!" when I tell them that I have MP3s of the themes from "Kenan and Kel" and "All That." Up to this day, I still have tracks from MTV's "Daria," which some people don't even remember to have ever existed. Now, I'm downloading the themes from "The Practice" and "Survivor" as we speak.

But of course, I am most proud of my latest ringtones... I have CSI-Las Vegas (The Who's "Who Are You?") as well as CSI-Miami ("We Won't Get Fooled Again" also by The Who). Not to mention themes from "Legally Blonde" and "Set it Off" -- both of which are my fave movies.

Yeah, I'm soundtrack girl alright... and damn proud of it!

Blah at 6AM

My new sked is from 7AM to 4AM.

I got home at around 4:30AM. I was trying to save money that's why I took a jeep instead of a cab -- going to and coming home from work. On my way home, I stopped by 7eleven and bought me and my wife some snacks. I bought a jumbo siopao and some treats from Mister Donuts. As I was walking home, I was thinking... I didn't save any money at all! The P100 I could've saved from the cab rides, I ended up spending on food instead so it's actually the same thing. Then I realized, I still saved money. I could've bought the same thing even if I took those two cab rides, meaning I would've spent twice as much. Not to mention, it was for food! After a hard day's work, I guess I deserve to treat myself to a decent "breakfast" slash "dinner" with a little dessert to boot.

This justification of my day's spending was all the more well, justified when I was preparing my wifey's baon. I guess money is not at all that important when you use it to buy something that you know will make your loved one happy. For me to buy her some snacks makes me happy because through that, I know I'm able to show her that I care for her so much and that I love her. Those treats would tell her that I think of her all the time, even during the wee hours of the morning even though some may already be too brain dead to think of anything else during those times. As they say, just thinking of someone you love -- just wanting to make them happy -- that's priceless.

So, did I save money today? I certainly did... and guess what -- I even earned so much more...

|BadGirl`Fiction| – Sadness Speaks

SADNESS SPEAKS
By Jelaine Macaraeg

I am not prepared for this. I never prepared myself for this. Can anyone possibly prepare herself for anything like this? So much pain… this is all so new to me. I don’t want this feeling yet I have no choice. This is the only feeling I have now. Try as I might to feel differently, there’s nothing I can do but take everything in…

Sadness… I never learned to handle this emotion. For the past ten years of my life, it seems like happiness was the only emotion my heart recognizes. Sometimes, there’s sadness or maybe even pain, but nothing this bad… nothing this intense. Will I ever survive this?

You said you’ll be back. I didn’t want you to leave. You hated me for being stubborn. I told you I can’t survive an entire month without you. A weekend, I can bear as long as I’m busy. Maybe even three days I can take. I just need to work my ass off and go home when I’m too tired to do anything else. But a month?! That’s crazy! I can’t be too busy for one whole month enough for me not to notice that you’re not here. You told me you really needed to go. It’s work. You reminded me how you won’t stop me from leaving if my job calls for it. Our friends were calling me unreasonable behind my back, I’m sure. I didn’t care. I was just being honest. I didn’t want you to go. Of course, I didn’t have a choice. It’s important to you. I love you so much and you knew that. You didn’t nag me about letting you go. You waited. You patiently waited for me to understand – as always.

You were so excited when I asked you if you’ve started making your “To bring” list. You smiled and hugged me. You knew I’d come around. I’ve always loved that about you. You knew me so well. We had lots of fun shopping for your new clothes and even more fun when we bought your luggage. It was crazy how we were looking for one that is big enough for you to fit me inside! Do you still remember how I hated shopping before I met you? Look how much I’ve changed! I’m now a certified shopaholic just like you. But of course, shopping is no fun without you. I sometimes think that it’s being with you that made shopping appealing to me. Otherwise, I’d still dread it. What do you think?

The day you left was crazy. We spent the whole night before making sweet love. I told you I’d make you too tired to look or even think about other girls. In the morning, we had breakfast – your favorite – and I was giving you a list of the things you should buy for me. By the time we were at the airport, I was already wailing in the car. You were pissed because you made me promise that I won’t cry. I seriously thought I wouldn’t either, I swear! But I can’t help it. The thought of not being with you for one whole month is just unbearable. It makes me sad just thinking about it. But then, of course, your comforting embrace and sweet kisses calmed me down. I was smiling again just before you boarded the plane. I just cried some more as soon as I went home… I cried for two more days.

Thank God for technology, we were still in constant touch in spite of the great distance. I finally got to appreciate the webcam you bought. I was so mad at you when you first brought it home. I told you there’s nothing we can use it for. But you were right! One can never tell. Seeing you… at least the pixelated you on my computer screen drives me crazy. It’s comforting to know that I can see you, yet it makes me so sad that I can only see you and that’s all. At night, I would always cry before I sleep, wishing you’ll be home soon. During the day, I would sometimes cry at work, as if by reflex because I feel this great heaviness of missing you. I hate that feeling.

I was so happy when you called telling me that your trip will be cut short and you’ll be home in three days. I bought new sheets for our bed and went grocery-shopping for the freshest ingredients of all your favorite dishes. My boss was so pissed for filing a vacation leave on such short notice. I begged him and told him this is extremely important to me. I even had to promise that I’d help him get a date until he granted my request. By the way, I also had my hair and nails done. I want you to have the prettiest date when you get back.


Can you just imagine how my world fell apart when I received the call about the accident? I can’t believe how stupid your officemate was! A night of partying and he even had the gall to volunteer to drive all of you home! Sometimes I want to blame you. Why didn’t you just get a cab? You don’t even drink, for crying out loud! Why did you have to get involved in this? It’s so unfair! Why you? What now? How about me?

I wish you never had to go. I wish I cried hard enough in the airport that it changed your mind and you decided to stay. I wish it was not important for your job – I wish you weren’t even working there at all! What will I do now? No more shopping for me… no more breakfasts… no more nights of making sweet love… no nothing. I can’t function without you, you know that right? I do believe I’ve told you that – at least a hundred thousand times in the past ten years.

How can one possibly move on with this much pain? The only life I’ve known is the one I’ve spent with you. I don’t even know who I am if I’m not your girl. Every night, I cry myself to sleep… I cry even harder now than when you first left. Then I knew you’d be back in a month… but now, I know you would never come back. No more embrace nor sweet kisses to calm me down. No webcam for me to at least see your beautiful face. No way to talk to you, no way to feel you. I just know you’re there, watching over me in everything that I do.

I wish our love is strong enough to help me get through this. I wish I can be strong enough without you. You have always been my source of strength. You have always believed in me that I can do anything. Now that I’m without you, I can only wish I can be all those things that you said I am. Until then, I’ll just cry some more and let my sadness speak…

CHECK OUT MY ENTRIES FOR MOBILE SNAPS CONTEST BY GBX-m|ph

Hi everyone! Please visit my album through this link:

Jelaine Macaraeg GBX-m|ph Mobile Snaps Album

these are my entries for GBX and Mobile Philippines' Mobile Snaps contest. Nothing really big... I just want to share the fun and weirdness of my Playhaus Photography.

in case you can't find my album, go to Search and use badgirl as keyword

Hope you can also rate them! Thanks! =)

*** Note: m|ph is a technology magazine -- a really cool one! ***

Wanna laugh? Watch FENG SHUI

Before I start this post, let me start with a disclaimer.

I am not by any chance dissing the movie for the heck of it. Nor am I dissing any of the cast, nor any other person involved in the creation of the movie. In the first place, what'll I get from this?! Nothing.

So, here I go.

Sunday shift is always the worst shift of the week. It's the last day of my work week and because I have been a bad girl, I have tons of things to catch up on. Sunday nights are boring in Eastwood. Most of the places are closed or close early, there are only a few people at work... the office is generally quiet, almost haunted.

Last Sunday, I was so excited to go home because I know that mijeL v2.0 (refer to previous post, "Dreams do Come True") is waiting for me at home. By 1:30PM... I finally finished everything. I felt so tired, being in the office since 11PM the previous evening. I met up with my wife at the bank to pay our bills then we went to Super Bowl for a fantastic lunch. When we were having lunch, she asked me if I want to watch a movie. I said I think I'm too tired for that. But I saw her made this you-know-I'm-disappointed-and-you-should-know-what-to-do-next pa-cute frown on her face so I agreed. I said I think I want to go home first to drop my stuff off. I'm like a nomad, you see. I always have my big back pack, loaded with so many weird things and of course, my trusty lunch box, which includes a 1L water container. She put on "the face" again and said I might end up sleeping then we'll never leave again to see a movie. I agreed to buy our tickets now so we don't any option but to get back in an hour to watch the 4:10PM showing. By this time, we've already agreed to watch "Feng Shui." You see, we like trying out weird things sometimes. Not to mention, I don't like "The Borne Supremacy" and "The Terminal," nor "The Exorcist." Yeah, I know what you're thinking... I AM WEIRD.

So anyways, we decided to check out the arcade first, which was so cool because their VIP card even has your picture and information on it. When I saw this arcade game, (I forgot the name) which is much like Dance Revolution, but you use your hands instead, we totally forgot about the going home part and before we know it, we only have enough time to buy coffee and popcorn before the movie starts.

When we were finally seated (we got the best seat, by the way), I was thinking, "God, please don't let me fall asleep. I mean, I don't mean anything by that, but you could just imagine how tired I already am by this time. When the movie started, I swear, I kept an open-mind. Do not judge the script, nor the costumes, nor Kris Aquino's acting or anybody else's... just watch. As the cliche goes, just seat back, relax and enjoy the movie. So I did.

I find the opening credits nice. It showed the various religious and superstitious idols and paraphernalia people use all the time. True enough, Filipinos would believe any concept of luck -- regardless of its religious background. People who identify themselves as Catholics would have a Buddha on their place of business for better sales.

The setting wasn't bad either. It's a typical Pinoy neighborhood. There's your suking tindahan, a Manong tricycle driver for going out of the subdivision, a friendly neighbor whose kid if your child's playmate. Since the story was set at the time Joy's family (Joy, being Kris Aquino) just moved into their own house, the walls were freshly painted, looked really clean, yet you know that they're not exactly settled yet.

The characters were 3-dimensional enough. Personally, I hate watching movies wherein the characters are introduced one by one, like who she is, where did she come from, what's her goal in the story, etc, but the character itself never really builds up until the end of the movie. In this case, they are already who they are. No need to elaborate on their individual personalities to show who's the protagonist, nor any extravagant showcase of evil to prove who's the antagonist. As the situations unfold, the audience themselves can get to know the characters better. And the information offered about them is enough for us to know them in the context of the story -- nothing more, nothing less. The rest, you might want to evaluate on your own.

Now, the bombshell. The theme was fine, I guess... I mean, the classic conflict between a curse and the heroine who vows to break it and not just escape from it. The curse involves a bagua, a Chinese symbol of good luck, which is normally placed above door frames outside the house. As far as I know, the logic behind this is that the mirror is supposed to reflect bad vibes back so the house will only be filled with good, thus, riches and other forms of good luck. In the story, the bagua in question was owned by the richest family in Shanghai during a certain dynasty. The daughter, called Lotus Feet (because her feet were bound) was left by her own brother at the time of political unrest as he fled with all his wives and children. Lotus Feet didn't know that everyone else left her as well, including their servants, who later on joined the Communist Party. One of their servants even led the group who burned their house down while Lotus Feet, helpless and cannot run, died in the fire, with the bagua clutched to her chest. Before she died, she vowed to the mirror that whoever sees himself in the mirror will die, but the person who finds it and is considered the owner, will have all the luck the world has to offer. But the flipside of getting all these, is that for every good luck, there'll be an equal misfortune around him/her.

This theme per se is fine. I just have a problem with the victims' cause of death. The first man was apparently born in the year of the rabbit. He got killed when he was run over by a bus from Rabbit Lines. Second victim, the bakery owner - born in the year of the rat died of Leptospirosis (a disease you get from eating or drinking something contaminated by rat urine). Third, the tricycle driver -- born in the year of the rooster, got himself killed in a fight when he lost at the sabungan, and the security guard, born in the year of the snake got bitten by one. These were hmmm... pretty fine, I guess, although the rabbit thing was too strange for me.

So by this time, the audience already know how the curse works, right? And we all know that Joy's friend, Alice (played by Lotlot deLeon) will be next and she was apparently born in the year of the horse. My wife and I started joking that she might get killed in San Lazaro while watching a horse race or something. Then there was this scene wherein Alice's neighbor, a drunkard was harassing her. They got into a fight and the drunkard started attacking her. They ensued into a rather physical and violent fight and my wife was already betting on her getting killed by a bottle of Red Horse -- like maybe he'll strike her with it or something. To everyone's surprise (and err, amusement), while the drunkard and Alice were struggling against each other, the drunkard hit her with an ironing board, which in the vernacular is actually called a kabayo ng planstahan! But this didn't kill her... she fell off the window... and landed on a pile of Red Horse Beer cases. So, my wife was right. She was killed by Red Horse beer.

From that point on, everyone started to laugh... as if everyone totally forgot that this is a horror flick and we're supposed to be filled with fear and not with gas. This totally killed the feel of the movie. From this scene forward, everyone started to watch for other bloopers, if not, another corny death -- like getting shot by a man with a tatoo of a bulldog on his arm. Uh-huh... you guessed it... the victims were both born in the year of the dog. (I personally thought that the Jay Manalo, who played as Kris Aquino's husband will get killed by his mistress. You know, get killed by a bitch).

Over all, the movie wasn't really a waste of good money. It was entertaining, fun and well, interesting. It was in fact a great date experience for me, considering I haven't slept nor bathed yet! One thing's for sure though. I've been very careful since I watched the movie. I haven't been fooling around 'cause you know... I was born 1980 and I don't like to die while doing some monkey business! Bwahahahahaha!!!

Dreams do come true

My wife and I have been planning to buy a new PC for our home. My first one totally crashed after I did something really stupid on my first-ever attempt to actually download an Anti-Virus software. Yeah, first time ever -- first time in six years.

My techy friends would like give me this "HHUUWWWAAATTT???!!!" reaction when I tell them that I don't have an Anit-Virus Software whatsoever in my PC. They are totally terrified knowing I'm a regular chatter (at least until two years ago) and I even had cyberporn as my college thesis topic. Porn sites are such great source of viruses and worms, you know. So there, after six years of abuse, at least seven reformatting and countless number of fits over my hanging OS while I'm in the middle of an important project or whatever, I finally decided to download a 15-day trial of Norton. Prior to actually installing, it does a prescan and then there was this message asking you what you want to do with the infected files that cannot be repaired and you just need to tick on DELETE or leave it as it is. Note: Once this option is selected, you cannot undo it. Normal people would leave it as it is... apparently, there is such a thing as just putting those files in quarantine so they're still in your system in case you need them. But no, I'm not normal... so I ticked the box and the rest, as they say, is history... yup, and so is my beloved PC... Apparently, there are a lot -- as in a lot -- of .exe files that are totally infected and cannot be repaired. Major files like those needed in the sequence of booting up included. So it can never run normally without the blue screen coming on evey 3 seconds.

My world crashed as my PC literally did. I didn't know what to do... my files... my articles... my school papers... our household files and records... I don't know I we can still recover them. We were totally paralyzed... It was a sad day. The worse part is, this is such an unexpected expense and we cannot afford to buy a computer! I tried getting a loan and guess what, the day before I filed my application, guidelines were changed and there were terms there, which I find to be such a hassle (i.e. having a co-maker). My friends discouraged us from getting a bank loan 'cause that might totally mess up our financial plans and mental stablity eventually. Last resort was to loan money from my Dad... until something totally strange happened. I'm sorry for not going through the details, but all of a sudden, we just found a way to buy a computer (or should I say, it found us?). DOn't worry, we didn't get into drugs nor win the lottery.

So last Saturday, September 25th, mijeL v2.0 was born. All black, high speed, high memory, loaded with all the stuff we've always wanted... and yup, our files were recovered and backed-up -- all of them! It felt really good. When we were setting it up. I had to keep reminding myself that I'm awake and this is really happening! I never realized how dependent our lives were to technology! Oh well, I guess at this time and age, we all need something to help us be on top of our busy lives. Some can't live without their card, their mobile phones, while we can't live without a computer at home!

And of course, the best part is, I can write and write and blog anytime! This is the life! This is one dream I'm ever so thankful that came true! =)

jeLaineisms 101

> Beauty is so wasted on stupid people.

> Big is beautiful.

> Meeting shallow and stupid men makes me all the more thankful for being lesbian. Hey! I prefer to be with somemone who uses what's between her ears and not what's between his legs!

*** Ey, I'm not bashing men or anything, ok? I said, SHALLOW AND STUPID MEN -- if you got affected by this statement... Hmmm... I wonder why! As the cliche goes, if the shoe fits, wear it! ***

> God never made us perfect so we can appreciate the good things that we have, while our shortcomings and "liabilities" keep us grounded.

> There are 1001 ways to be sexy. Having a sexy bod is just one of them, but it ain't all that!

|BadGirl`Irony| - Overflowing but Dry

I have been dying to write -- like, really write -- for the longish time. I don't know if I have a problem or what, but for me, my current condition isn't good for writing. I work nights... I don't have much time for myself... I'm always tired... My PC at home crashed... Etcetera, etcetera. I'm not sure if these are mere excuses. Maybe I really can't write that's why I haven't been writing. I just can't admit it.

Recently, I've been oozing with thoughts and ideas for articles and stories. But as usual, I can't seem to find time to write. But when I'm talking to my friends, I can't stop talking! If only I could write those words!

Oh God... will I ever write a decent piece of literature in this lifetime?

This is so frustrating.

OUT!

Nope, I'm not throwing a tantrum, nor telling anyone to get the hell out of my blog. OUT! happens to be the new (actually, the ONLY) Filipino TV show on alternative lifestyles. In short, it's the first-ever GLBT show on local free TV.

OUT! is aired on GMA7 every Saturday, 11PM-12MN. The show, which premiered September 4th, is being hosted by JM Cobarrubias, Jigs Mayuga, and Avi Siwa.

To those who are interested to join the OUT! Friendster account, their email address is itsfuntobeout@yahoo.com, while you may also join their Yahoogroup mailing list for forums, events and other info.

HOMOPHOBES, STAY AWAY!!! If you have nothing better to do with your lives, try killing yourself and wish hard that you don't become a cockroach on your next life. Should that happen, pray even harder that you don't get crushed at the Gay and Lesbian Pride March!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!

Behold my future

***Sigh*** I so can't wait for my Christmas bonus to come... I'm so dying the buy this Palm Zire31... ***Sigh***

Blah

Why is it that I'm in the mood to comment on other people's lives or write testimonials for people I don't even hang-out with yet I'm so blank when it comes to writing on my own blog?

Times like these, it makes me all the more eager to buy a PDA-Wireless keyboard combo... I hate how I'm sometimes oozing with thoughts yet I don't even have anything to write on! Grrrrr!!! I so can't wait for Christmas to come...

Ey, don't get me wrong... I ain't in a bad mood...I'm just a little disappointed wth myself, that's all... =)

Wish List 2004

Hellllllerrrr??? This is like what?! My nth Wish List everrrr???

Whatever... I've always believed that having Wish Lists drives us to aspire for higher things. They motivate us to do better in life -- from simple things to the real big stuff.

So, here I go again with my Wish List:

1> PDA - Zire31 loaded with Quick Office and Shopping Manager applications. Shopping Manager will be such great help for me and my wife in managing the household especially our groceru list. I'd also buy a PDA keyboard (hopefully wireless although USB's also fine) so I can write anywhere! No more excuses!!!

2> Portable MP3 Player - At this time, I have my eye on Twinmos'GO2MUSIC. I saw one in Exsite Mobile in Megamall, which only costs Php4500. It has 32MB built-in memory PLUS a 128MB expansion card. iPod is way cooler than that, I know but it's way too expensive for me. After all, I don't really need 10,000 songs! Why spend 15K-24K for iPod if I could have both PDA and MP3 player for the same price (or even cheaper)? :)

3> Fujitsu Lifebook or any notebook- Again, my objective for having a notebook is for me to be able to write whenever, wherever! Especially with the new technology of Wi-Fi being available in different cafes and restaurants here in Manila... it's definitely going to be blog heaven for me!!!

4> 29" Samsung Color TV - I'm not even aiming for a flat screen TV. Why should I? I mean, it's 10K more expensive!!! Saw my dream TV in Abenson at 20K only. Seriously considering taking advantage of their Lay Away Plan next year.

5> Home PC - My wifey and I are actually have this on top of the list. But since I remembered it just now, it's #5 on my list! Heehee! We're so into electronic life management that we seriously can't live without a decent computer for checking mail, paying bills, research, and of course, accessing Friendster and other community sites! Also, I'd definitely be getting a Bluetooth Adapter for free polytones... I have a lot of Midis in my Jurassic PC at home.

6> Microwave!!! - I love cooking... but having such a tight sked, I don't get to cook as often anynmore because of the time I need to thaw meats, fish, etc. Having a microwave would be a lot of help and I'd be able to cook more often again. And of course, watching TV is always more fun with freshly popped popcorn! =)

7> Aircon - I swear, I don't think I can bear another summer of having to sleep during the day (since I work nights) soaked in sweat!!! Plus, we're the only unit in the compound who doesn't have one!!! Waaaaaaa!!!

*** To some people, I'm sure my Wish List is rather pathetic. Some may even have all these stuff already. But if you're a 24-year old, middle-class, young urban professional who moved out of your parents' house when you were 21 -- starting from scratch... trust me, these are the big stuff... ***

Left out

Left out.

This is exactly how I've been feeling since yesterday. Checked out my Friendster acct and found out that a close friend of mine way back in High School was pregnant and has in fact given birth already. I called everyone in our barkada
and guess what... I was the last to know... And yeah, that is, thanks to Friendster.

And oh, of course this happened after I sent an all-out message to one of my bestfriends, who's in Law school and hasn't gotten in touch with me since God-knows-when. She forgot two birthdays, failed to text back a gazillion times and didn't return X million of my calls. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers me.

Why is this happening to me??? Do these people perceive me as someone too busy to be interested to actively participate in their lives? Or they simply choose not to actively participate in mine?

Today, I just found out that my friend here in the office stopped eating rice in 2000... and guess what... everybody else knows about it... everybody except for me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

English booboos

My friend, Jayce and I have been having these really crazy (and super fun) sessions of talking abt ways of mangling the Engish language. Don't get us wrong, I mean, Jayce and I have our own share of bloopers... but i don't know, for some reason, it sure is always fun talking abt grammatical errors committed by virtually anyone! Here are some examples:

"You know jumping jack? You know... jumping jack... when you open the box, the Jack will jump?
aaaaaaahhhh... okay... Jack-in-the-box!!!

Super coño girl with super-lupit twang during a job interview; sharing a ghost story: "Oh my gawd!!! It was like so scary, it gave me the CRAPS!!!"
Guess what... She didn't make it (err, surprise?!)

Girl describing the price of a super expensive item "Imagine! The price was like a whooping *blah-blah* pesos!
hmmmm... burger king must've named their super big burger wrong...

Psycho/Stupid ex on KFC menu: "Ano ba yan?! 2-pc chicken?! Hello?! 2 nga e! Kaya dapat 2-pcs chicken!!!
iodized salt, anyone?

Same Psycho/Stupid ex on the letter H: "Ewan ko ba, yung ibang tao... ang arte-arte... pa "eych, eych" pa... Sabi ng Mama ko, "ech"!
Errr... more iodized salt???

Physical Education teacher's notes -- written on Manila paper for the whole class to see: BALL RETREAT BEAR
When pointed out by good-looking, smart student **wink, wink*** teacher says "BALL RETRIEVER"
Pagbigyan nyo na... PE teacher nga e!

Music teacher with fi and ep depect when asked on how to differentiate the minor from the major keys: "Yes, they're dipperent."
Okay... if you say so...

To be continued...

Missing posts, etc.

im pretty pissed with my blogger right now... actually, pissed FOR my blogger. i've been very busy lately that's why i haven't been able to post anything. i had some stuff emailed, but they never went through! aaarrrgggh!!! i just hate that!!! and now, the tag-board seems to be forever down!!! what the F--- is going on???

Ok, i'm fine now.

Party Time

I can't wait! It's 2:05AM... and I still have tons of workload to finish. Later at 8AM, my ofc friends and I will be having a bonding session. I'm expecting it to one hell of a party with lots of food, booze and videoke singing. ***Sigh*** What a nice to unwind especially after being really bitter about not being able to celebrate your birthday! Hehe! Oh well, gotta start working!!! :)

Very bad night

I am so pissed right now. I have work. I was late. The freaking vcr remote is so screwed up. I haven't slept. I am seeing a major bitch right now. Not seeing dating -- i mean, seeing as in SEEING with my eyes. Fuck this night! I have this weird feeling i will be doing something rrrealll stupid tonight.

Lovestruck

I just fell in love... again -- to the same woman that i have been in love with for the last 3yrs and 8mos. She's amazing... she takes care of me like a child, loves me for all that i am, reprimands me when i do wrong, straightens me up when i slack off... It's weird! How she makes me laugh at the corniest jokes and pisses me off with her asshole-jerk combo 'tude. At the end of a rough day, there's nothing else i long for but to sleep beside her, holding hands... and feet!

WAP me, Blog me

This is way cool, posting to my blogger through my mobile phone. I only have 480 characters max though, so its pretty limiting. Im almost tempted to use txt language but i know that aint pretty to read on the computer. Plus i wonder how nasty the lay-out is... Hope it doesn't ruin my sidebar again! Can't wait to check on my blogger tonight! Man! Don't you just love technology?! Way cool!

Tired and Pissed

I only hv one day off for now. It really sucks! I hv a lot going through my mind right now, it's driving me nuts! Bills to pay, things to buy, stories to write. I want to explode... Im soooo tired. Aftr this, i'll sleep d aftrnoon off and wake up when my wife comes home. God! Sometimes, i hate my life! But don't get me wrong... Im nt complaining. Im just too tired but just the same, i wouldn't want it any other way...

it's MY day

People often describe me as one hell of a selfish bitch... (especially by the love of my life) well, i guess i was just born that way. it's something that i don't apologize for. i mean, at least im being honest.

today is my 24th birthday. am i happy? hmmm... yes i am. im employed... i recently got regularized, so im now a certified professional eavesdropper. im surrounded by friends... friends i oh-so care abt. i have a significant other who loves and takes care of me... bears with me no matter how bitchy i get... i have a home with the love of my life... a home we've built together... my place of refuge, away from the sometimes cruel world... i have parents who love me in spite of distance and individual difference... people who are always there to pamper me just when i thought im all grown up... :)

today is my 24th birthday... im not always sure of what im doing... i don't know what else is in store for me. im just as excited as iv always been to wake up to a new day (errr, night? since im working nights?? whatever...) and face life's new challenges. am i scared? hmmmm... of course i am... i mean, who isn't? but what the hell! i have a job (which by the way, im learning to love... thanks to my friends at work!!!), i have friends (who i've tried and tested to be always there for me no matter what, whatever my sked is!), parents to keep me young (i'll always be their baby!), i have my forever to keep me sane for all of eternity and a home to keep me safe when i feel like breaking down (works for me much like my very own fantasy land!)... so, im happy! bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

oh and by the way, it's friday the 13th... bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!

How old is your inner child?

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

JEP

my ofc is re-launching the JEP campaign. JEP... as in Just English Please... and it's driving everybody nuts.

don't get me wrong, i love the english language. i do believe im more creative and expressive in english than in the vernacular. but to speak the language for 9hrs???

AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

to date, i've heard of two versions of the JEP acronym... one is Jast Espek Pelepeno and the other one is Just Espanyol Por pavor (did i even spell that right???) and i should say that people (including yours truly) have become more speechless because of the campaign... imagine, speaking in English on carpeted areas...meaning, everywhere except for the bathroom and the
pantry.

oh well, i guess we'll get over the shock eventually and hopefully get used to it in the process. (wish!)

Tag Board Down

Yeah, I know it sounds like a movie but it ain't...

Oh well, it sucks that my Tag Board has been down for a couple of days now. My sincere apologies to zyxelle for not being able to reply... please don't think I'm being snotty or whatever! Anyway, it's been awhile since anyone called me intelligent! Especially since people in the msg board just know me as The Mean Bitch... lolz Oh well, thanks so much for dropping by... hope you could visit my blogger when you have time to waste.

With this, I'd like to inform everyone that my blogger also has a guestbook, which you may use for your comments/suggestions, etc... and also for your shout-outs and other msgs while the Tag Board is down. Hopefully, it'll be up soon 'coz it's a lot user-friendly.

Thanks to everyone who ever visits my blogger! Take care y'all! :)

Happy Ending

To start off, I would like to thank my good friends, Jayce and Jen for being there for me yesterday when I was so down. Your inspiring words and sincere hugs are very much appreciated... I wouldn't have survived that work night without you! :)

And so from there, my story continues...

When I got home this morning... everything was well, normal. We were in speaking terms, she was nice to me... i think she was even sweet. We spent the morning reading through the transcript of the Charmed Season Finale until I finally dozed off. When I woke up, we were still, uh, normal... still in speaking terms, she was still nice... I remember she was still sweet. She said she wanted hot chocolate so I asked her out for dinner (nothing really special, actually). Then we took a bath, dressed up... I was starting to fell real depressed that we were, well, too normal. I felt rather uncomfortable that we had a mean fight last night, bordering to a major break up and here we are, normal and not even talking about it. It was just scary for me I guess.

While having dinner, I finally told her, "I love you." and she replied, "I love you, too." Being plain bitchy, I snapped at her... "Hmph! You love me but you were breaking up with me last night?!" Then she told me the real deal... She was just getting back at me for some things I did and said (or should I say, did not say???) a few days back. Oh well, I guess I was a victim of my own emotions and my inability to handle them well...

Rewind...

This has been going on for like a month now. Normally, she's the one who's always masungit and I'm the one who's more forgiving and understanding. But I guess with all the stress from work or perhaps I was just fed up with her, I began to be more bitchy and I would now talk back when she snaps at me for whatever reason (I usually keep quiet). I've also become more vocal about the things I hate about her... how she's such a bully sometimes and all that. In short, I got tired. I started asking myself if this is really the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. As I always say, our relationship is a constant battle between Bad Girl and Control Freak... and this time, I guess Bad Girl just wants out... I was seriously considering giving up on us. But the truth is, I CAN'T DO IT!!! I'm too scared to even try... (do I hear clucking??? Oh well, I deserve it...) I know it's just a phase...

Then one night, we were teasing each other about the gross things we do... then she said, "Hmph! So you want to break with me 'cause I'm disgusting?!" And with a serious tone, I replied, "Ok." She asked me if I was serious and until last night, I just tell her, "I don't know... Maybe... " Ok, I did that not because I wanted to torture her or anything... it's just that, I'm sooooo thinking it but I know... as in, I'm SURE that I can NEVER mean it.

Ever heard about karma? So there, she got irritated and finally told me that she doesn't need me to answer and that she's deciding for us... and of course, her decision was for us to take the joke seriously. Knowing how mean she could get, I was hurt because she likes doing that. I don't know why but sometimes, breaking up seems so easy for her. Until I had to leave for work, I was asking her what was that about... if she means that or if she was just getting back at me or whatever... but she never gave me a serious response but a shrug and an oh so sarcastic "I don't know... Maybe..." (TORTURE!!!!)

So there... that was how I got victimized by my own emotions and my inability to handle them... I guess in my effort not to let the negativity explode, everything just blew up on my face. The toughest part of it all is knowing how mean she could get. As I've said, she handles break ups reaaaallll well and that scares me. When she's tired, she's really tired... and I've already experienced that cruelty early this year and trust me, it was really traumatic.

Well, she did apologize for making me cry... I should say that was kinda sweet. Somehow, I also felt guilty because though she didn't say it, I guess my joke about breaking up with her did hurt her too somehow. As the cliche goes... jokes are half meant.

So here I am at work again after our fabulous dinner... ready to battle with stress for at least one final night this week, the same way that the story of Bad Girl versus Control Freak continues... and yes, we did have that hot chocolate... and it was oh so yummy! :)

in pain

nothing can be more painful but to learn that the person you love the most doesn't feel the same way about you at all. it's like being betrayed by the whole world... like you don't know what happened during the last three and a half years of your life.

i know that being loved is something that you feel... something that you just know without even having to say word. yet there are times when you long to hear those words tp confirm that it is indeed a reality and not something that you wish to be true.

it hurts to know that you're holding on to a relationship that is optional... something that the other person can live with or without... and its insanely painful to know that that person is the one you even call the love of you life.

for my 24th birthday, i made a vow to myself that i'll do everything i can to make myself a better person. is god giving me a sign that letting go IS part of making myself a better person? but how can i go on improving myself if the one thing and the one person that means the world to me is not even there? how i can i ever go on with my life if all i have is my pain and all i ever feel is bitterness?

SCREW YOU, MS. FRIGID BITCH!

the person i hate the most is ms. frigid bitch.  she's a major control freak who wants people to do things her way.  she's a neat freak and expects others to be as well -- what a bully!

she's a major party pooper.  when she's around, you should always "take care of yourself" and be "proper."  she's like a mom who scolds her toddler for being too noisy or rowdy and for using cuss words in public places.

she's dense -- so dense, it's almost her superpower.  she keeps on rattling about things you don't give a shit about, and tells you to shut up when it's your turn to blow-off steam.  she doesn't give a fart about the things that are important to you -- she doesn't even sense how passionate you are about them.  sometimes, you think she's listening, but hell, she's not!  i doubt if she's ever capable of listening.  oh yeah, she said she is... as long as you talk about "important" things.  but of course, that's something that she decides.

she's so self-conscious, always thinking of what others say about her -- it's sickening.   she's always analyzing how she should do or say what so as not to offend anyone.  boohoo!!!

she always calls the shots.  when you get into a fight with her, she decides whose fault it is and when you could kiss and make up.  no matter how much you reach out and apologize (although the fight isn't necessarily your fault), if she's still mad, get lost!  cry your sorry ass off, she doesn't care!  if you're lucky and she admits to be at fault, she doesn't care if you're still mad at her.  she'll do her usual "dog tricks" (no pun intended) to get you laughing... and voila! you're okay again.

no matter how fed up you are with her... don't even dare break up with her especially if you're not sure you mean it.  she would never take you back.. yeah... that's how she operates.  she's so used to being a dumper that she can turn things around as a dumpee with that "it's your loss, not mine" cliche crap.  not having you around may be killing her, but being an egoistic bitch and all, she'll never admit it.  in the event that you come crawling back and you were blessed anough to be accepted, she doesn't say it to your face but she challenges you if you can take the heat again. if eventually you come whining and complaining about her misbehaving again or whatever, she'll remind you about that fateful day you came crawling back, like it's your fault that you put yourself i this situation in the first place.

she has a way of making things always YOUR fault.  it's either you did it or you allowed it to happen or you opened yourself to it or whatever -- in any case, you're responsible and you don't have any right to complain.  oh yeah, she also decides whether what you're feeling is valid or not.  if it's deemed invalid, you have to apologize for it.

ms. frigid bitch is a hopeless case.  she'll never change.  you can delude yourself that she's starting to be a little nicer, being a little less of the jerk she naturally is, but eventually you realize it's just your imagination playing a trick on you.  she's just hopeless... i swear, she'll never change... not in this lifetime...

today is a good day... well, at least better than yesterday!

another stressful work day has come! but im happier today as i sense a brighter shift coming my way...

to start off, i had a good day sleep. i woke up with a smile at the sight of the love of my life. we went on a dinner date where i ate steak, which was oh-so yummy. i bought cafe americano at starbucks... grande... enough to keep me up until what? tomorrow night's shift?! hehehe! i saw several pairs of shoes that im oh-so dying to buy (unless i die first before i can afford to buy any one of them) and to think i was never a shoe person (im more of a bag person). i saw someone from high school and was i glad to see her! she has grown prettier than she already is (can't believe that was even posible, but she did!) and i appreciate how she remained bubbly and friendly after all these years. (she actually stopped for a little chit-chat while some people, including yours truly, can only offer a simple hi-hello.) i am in the company of good friends here in the office... (god i love these people!) making it a lot easier to survive another typically stressful work day like this one.

oh well, having said that, i guess im ready to start working. :) later!

A Roller-Coaster Ride August

August this year is the scariest, most tiring yet most exciting August of my 24-year existence yet. Aside from turning 24 (Read: Quarter-life crisis), I am also due for regularization on my 3-year job, work is expected to be toxic the whole month (until October, actually), and my parents (finally) volunteered to buy me my dream phone as birthday gift.

I have waaayyyy so much stuff going on in my life right now that I'm seriously having mixed emotions about the coming month. As far as the regularization is concerned, I'm torn between hoping to get it as much as I don't really care 'cause I'm starting to get tired of it anyway and have been (seriously) thinking of resigning since June. Coupled with the stress and health problems that comes with the heavy workload, leaving does seem to be a brighter option for me at this point. Oh well, at least I have the phone to be happy about....
 
(There I go again... thinking like a 5-year old with her new toy. Well, I guess that's what you call "coping mechanism.")

Life's Mysteries from a Bad Girl's Perspective

Why are some people so bitter about life that they take their bitterness on other people?

Why are there bitches who enjoy getting on a free ride, risking being called a certified slut, while at the same time take pleasure on kissing people's asses in order to be liked?

Why do attention-hungry, social-climbing, power-trippers get big breaks when equally domineering corporate sluts with well, more experience and better diction end up being their subordinates?

How do closet queens survive inside their closets until their 30's?

Why are there air heads in the world?

Why are some people so good at being annoying that it's almost their special talent?

Why are day jobs a lot less financially rewarding than shifting jobs?

What am doing here in the office at 1:42AM??? I so wanna go home... ppft...

TRIVIA: What's the longest word?

ANSWER: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

It's a 45-letter word meaning "a lung disease caused by the inhalation of fine silica fibers."

I'm sooooooooooooo geeky.

S-T-R-E-S-S

why do we work again? oh yeah... to live. and i thought humans only need food, water and air to survive... then again, we're not just humans.

i'll be turning 24 in what... less than a month? and frankly, i still don't get this grown-up groove. though i've long accepted this new life as an independent, self-supporting, almost-married, relatively-young urban
professional, i can't help but sometimes wish that i'm in never never land with no responsibilities whatsoever.

oh well, that's all the time i have for today to bitch about life... gotta start working!!!

crowded

have i been cursed? why do i need to suffer such fate? i only wish to be able to express my thoughts... to relieve myself of the agony of being repressed.  why does this have to happen each time?
 
everyday and every night... thoughts flood my brain.  rushing and racing so fast that even i cannot seem to keep up with it.  i long to have the luxury of time to be able to sit down and write and let all my thoughts flow freely out of my already crowded little head.  but when i do get the chance, this happens...
 
 i would find myself sitting in front of my computer, eager to do a hundred and one things but write! i hate myself! why do i have to let these chances pass? what if they never come again?  why waste such good opportunity to let go? maybe because in reality, i don't want to.  maybe because im afraid to lose these thoughts... maybe because im afraid that they'renot valid... maybe because i feel guilty for even having them.
 
but if i don't learn to let go, when will i ever heal? when will i ever recognize my pain?

pissed

im so pissed right now.  i just got home from work... tired and sleepy.  i decided to go online to relax... play a little trivia on IRC and just hang-out (not not chat).  i joined my usual channels.  remembering i got kicked and banned from a foreign lesbian channel, #lesbian, with most of the operators from canada, i tried to join again.  i got in using my other script (which has a different address) and one of the ops asked for my ASL since my nick is unfamiliar.  at this point, i was busy arranging my windows out of plain OCness and before i can do anything else, i got kicked and banned again.  i whois'ed this other op who banned me yesterday, and went info another one of her channels to PM her.  i explained to her that my "suspicious channels" (which was apparently the reason why i was banned yesterday) were actually cities here in manila, philippines.  oh well, she was interested and just replied, "yesterday was yesterday but today is today."  that really pissed me off... i then told her... "oh well, never mind.  im not interested to chat on a lesbian channel with power-tripping ops anyways!" then left their pathetic channel.
 
i guess i just got pissed because i feel it's unfair for them to "judge" a person because of something they don't even know about! i understand they have rules like strictly no men, no sex channels, etc... but hey! you could at least PM this person you think have "suspicious channels."  they're just pathetic.  and i thought a foreign lesbian channel has a more friendly atmosphere since it's full of people from different backgrounds... then again, i was wrong.
 
i don't want to discriminate those operators for being canadians... i mean, i myself loathe racists.  and besides, there were some cool and friendly operators there before.  it's just that i feel sorry for them for "power-tripping" like that.  screw those pathetic bitches! grrrrrr!!!! 

tekky

i love technology... being an average, 20something, filipino female with an equally average yet very challenging life, i am able to survive with so much help from technology.

i am able to regularly communicate with a lot of people, apart from those im already working with and be a responsible adult by being able to attend to bills and other important stuff in spite of my toxic sked. i am able to satisfy my insatiable thirst for anything new and interesting, and even share these new-found knowledge with people dear to me.

most of all, technology never ceases to make me a little smarter everyday. it seems like there's always something new to learn... a new website, a new game, an entirely new concept... it's virtually endless!

i especially like the thought that technology now is very encouraging as far as creativity is concerned... with websites like these for me to make my virtual scribbles... with my blogger, it's as if i don't have an excuse anymore not to be able to write 'cause i don't have time!

i know my thoughts are sometimes senseless or even dumb... but what the heck! they're mine! and i sure am glad i have my own little space in cyberspace, i can call my own... to simply express these crazy, senseless thoughts of mine...

Sunday = Me day

Since I've started working in 2001, weekends stopped being my official rest days. Working in a call center for almost three years now, I think I've experienced having most if not all possible schedules known to the center. I've had 12-9, 8-5 -- AM/PM, 5AM-2PM, 1:30-10:30AM, etc.

I had numerous months of no social life, no night-outs, just one-hour dinner dates before my shift if I'm lucky. There were times when I missed a whole lot of good movies and more of my favorite primetime TV shows. I guess it takes a lot of courage and sanity to make it in a call center. Courage, because you have to be brave to ride a commuter vehicle, specifically a PUJ or a cab at any given sked. Sanity, for there would be a lot of depressing times when you feel guilty of having to work, having to leave your wife alone at night, or you're just sick and tired of living for your job. I experienced coming home from work, too tired to do anything else but sleep, then wake up just in time to have dinner, take a bath, dress up and fly to work.

Oftentimes, I'm thinking, why am doing this to myself? Why this job? Is this worth everything I've missed and still missing? Am I willing to miss more in the future? I have been asking myself these questions for the longish time and yet I haven't found an answer... one that I can full convince myself with.

Recently, I have been fortunate to have weekend offs. For some time now, I have been able to play badminton with family and friends, watch movies in theaters, do a whole lot of shopping, catch up on my primetime faves, and a whole lot more. Before, I only think of spending time my significant other on dates, cuddling up, catching up... but now, I've realized that apart from my wife, my parents and my friends, there's one person who misses me most and with whom I need to catch up with the most. And that person is ME.

Since I plunged (head-first) into the world of jobs, bills and responsibilities, it was as if I lost touch with myself -- to really know what I need and want. It was as if I just grew up and all I hear from myself now are orders and pep talks of how I should be, what I should do, what's right, what's wrong, that I'm independent now and in a very committed relationship so I shouldn't be screwing up. But hey, I still have guilty pleasures, you know? I like thinking "what if?" like what if I quit my job and be a bum, what if I'm single and can flirt around? Sometimes, I want to be pretty and feel pretty in spite of me being all fat. Sometimes, I just want to be lazy and not move a muscle. Sometimes, I like disconnecting from the world, like turn my mobile phone off and have the answering machine answer all my calls. So now, that's what I've been doing. I make Sundays my day. If I feel tired, I sleep the whole day... and night. If I wanna pamper myself, I declare my own Spa Day at home. If I wanna pig out, I cook myself some nice meals and feast in front of the TV and have a TV marathon. The possibilities are endless! There's always something fun to do on Sundays.

So there, by the time I have to go to work for another stressful work week, I'm ready. Knowing I had fun with me for at least day prepares me for another battle and also gives me something to look forward to for the next 6 days!

Guess what else happened on August 13th?

Did you know that in August 13th 1926, Fidel Castro Ruz, Cuban dictator was born??? Also, Did you know that in 1996, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 3.0??? Cool huh?!

These are only a couple of other events that happened on my birthdate... there are tons more!!!

Wanna know what else happened during your own birthdate? Visit FamousDays.com - Birthday Event Database to find out!

|BadGirl`Fiction| – Housemates

HOUSEMATES
By Jelaine Macaraeg

I was having breakfast with a friend when I saw Angela walk past with a girl I don't know. I remember she told me the night before that she'll be doing field work today and that she'll be with "May" -- some girl from a company they're working with. I waved. I was so happy to see her. We haven't been seeing each other because of our skeds... she works 9-5, I work 9-6... that is, 9AM-5PM and 9PM-6AM...

She just waved back and smiled. My friend asked me where she was going, why she was even here. She knew that Angela doesn't work around the area. I explained she's actually working that's why she can't come in to chat.

After half an hour, I finally decided to call it a day and went home. I texted Angela on my way home.

"Hi! Im on a cab alrdy. It was nys seeing u. 2 bad u cant stay. Oh well, im sure u told May dat im a friend... either dat or im ur housemate..."

As expected, she did not reply – the whole day.



After a couple of days, I realized I'm not okay with what happened. I admitted to myself that this is something I need to talk to her about... I can't keep this to myself like this. So I finally asked her, "Ey! You didn't reply to my message..."

"What message?" she asked.

"My message the other day..."

"About May?" So, she isn't that dense after all.

"Yeah... what did you tell her?"

I saw this coming... I swear, I am actually expecting this answer... but I don't know...

"I told her you're my housemate."

"Oh, ok.. Thought so..."

And there it was... again... that weird, uncomfortable feeling inside my chest... coupled with that strange heavy feeling down your throat, like you swallowed a ball. I think this is what they call "pain." Yeah... I guess that's what it was.. I was hurt. Really hurt...

I felt tears falling down... I didn't want to cry but I just did. I guess I just can't believe it...

Over three years of being almost married... Being so in love, building our lives together... and yet, I'm referred to as her "housemate." It's all too weird for me.
I think what bothers me most is the fact that we never had this "problem" with anyone else but people from HER work. I mean, we're both out as far as our families and friends are concerned, and I'm also out to everyone I'm working with. The first couple of times that this happened, I was fine... But I guess if it happens all the time, it just gets into you.

A good friend once told me that there's no such thing as getting over... there's only that feeling of getting used to. Well, in my case, I may have gotten over the fact that Angela can't just be as out as I am but it's being called her “housemate" that I can never get used to.

Sheesh... can't she even refer to me as her best friend??? I mean, housemates don't even have to be friends... they just happen to share the same space, which they both call their house. I don't know... maybe I'm just over reacting... Don't get me wrong, I do understand her... But I guess understanding something doesn't mean it cannot hurt you.

Oh well, maybe someday, when she's really out... as out as I am, maybe then I can finally be her girlfriend... In the meantime, here I am, Angela's "housemate" just loving her the same way I've done over the years...

IRC

insecure bitches
losers, assholes
letting their fingers do the talking
asl
brb
afk
this is the language that they know
sending pictures via dcc
some are not even their own
connecting with people
halfway across the globe
thousands of miles away
from the corner of a café
isolated from the rest of the world
how ironic
hot babes
cool hunks
sending virtual roses and other stuff
yeah right
and he cannot even get a date in real life
while she’s way too young to drive
how pathetic
just the same, this is the world they’d rather be in
where they can all be whatever they want to be
hot and desirable
smart and cool
no laws, no rules
just a virtual kick in the ass
but you can go back again
and keep on pretending
escape from the reality
of being a nobody
and just be somebody
who, in reality
doesn’t even exist…


August 17, 2001

SACRIFICES AND COMPROMISES

Thank God for bloggers! Here's another article I found in my hard disk... finally, I found a place for them to be well, "published"

-----------------------------------------------------------

How much are you willing to sacrifice in a relationship? Does being married mean totally losing yourself, blurring that already blurred line that defines who you are and what you want to be? What if your significant other doesn't seem willing to compromise? Will you give in or would you give up? Isn't it that sacrifices as well as compromises should be done by both parties and not only by the one who is deemed "the understanding one"? I know there's nothing wrong about being ambitious... For wanting more than what is considerably enough... But is it too much to ask to take baby steps instead... Small, slow but steady baby steps to get to whatever that ultimate goal is? And wouldn't it be better if those baby steps are taken together instead of alone?

All these questions have been crowding my head the whole week now – playing in a loop almost 24/7. You see, I have been in the colorful-slash-chaotic world of relationships for the last six years of my 23-year existence. I wouldn’t say I know a lot about it since I have only been in a total of two relationships. I don’t know… Maybe it’s because I’m a late bloomer, getting into my first relationship at age 17 or I’m just plain undesirable. But I sure am glad (and proud) that I have hit the jackpot on only my second shot. Yes, lucky for me, I found My Forever three years ago and I could say that my search is over. However, the irony of living a real-life fairy tale is that it truly bites. For a relationship to really have a decent “Happy Ending”, there are a lot of witches and curses the couple has to overcome and win over. And the sad thing about it is that sometimes, it is in the couple’s effort to build a beautiful future together that all these villains come to life. Worst of all, these monsters are not even the people around us. They are actually within us – borne out of our fears and insecurities.

As I approach my mid-twenties and my significant other being on it, we have been seriously thinking about doubling our efforts to save up and be able to do the things we’ve always wanted. We’re both from an average Filipino family in terms of social status. We don’t have parents who can back us up in starting our own business or can give us a car and a house under our names as graduation gifts. In short, if we want to make it big, we have to work hard for it. So from there, wacky ideas started to come up – from working on a cruise ship to migrating to Canada, all of which of course, have their own sets of pros and cons. Say for instance, working on a cruise ship means being away from each other for at least a year, while migrating to Canada entails a lot of resources, processes and preparation. And this is where the complication begins. I personally can only go a week tops without my significant other. I don’t care how much money I’ll be missing, but I just want us together in our cozy, little apartment, enjoying the usual things we do as a couple. Call me impractical, but that’s me. But then, isn’t that being selfish of me since it means keeping the other person from doing what she feels she has to do for herself? I don’t know… that’s pretty much the reason why I’ve been having all those questions in my head!

As I go on thinking about all these, I realized that in such situations, there are no right or wrong answers, nor right or wrong decisions. As long as both parties are willing to make their own share of sacrifices and compromises, everything would be just fine and there would be no regrets. The key is to decide as a couple – make it “you and me against the world” instead of “you and me against each other.” I’ve always believed that any kind of relationship is built on respect – respect for oneself, for the other person and for the relationship. If you have that, there’s no room for selfishness. In moments of weakness, guilt will definitely get you. Maybe we just need to make sacrifices in order to compromise, as much as we have to compromise to make the sacrifice all worth it.

Until now, our plans are still a bit blurry but it’s ok. I guess its all part of growing old as a couple. And besides, I know for a fact that as long as I have My Forever with me, nothing – not even a witch or a curse nor a monster – can ruin our very own version of a “Happy Ending”…

My Beloved Feline Siblings

Here's to my beloved feline siblings, whom I miss terribly...

once, i was a kid...

and i looked like this...



such innocent look, don't you think? don't be deceived... actually, the story behind this photo is one proof of how naughty i was at such an early age!

see that wall behind me? i was actually peeling the paint off that wall when my mom came in to take my picture! that's why i looked kind of surprised -- much like a "i didn't do nothing!" smile! and take note, that wasn't even our house! hehehe!

oh well, those were the days... when peeling paint off other people's walls was called, well... fun! :)

missing them

life is hard. sometimes, being optimistic can be challenging. though you have a lot of things to be happy about, life's everyday stress just makes it hard to put on a smile 24/7.

before, when i get all stressed, all i need to do was play with my adorable feline siblings and voila! im recharged! if my fave cat, kuya is in the mood, he would even sleep beside me and i have an instant heater during cold, rainy nights.

now that im living on my own with my wife, i can't help but miss my feline siblings... ate jules, kuya taba, DJ, OJ, shammy and chubby and of course, jin. i miss their own unique personalities and the different games i used to play with each of them.

oh well, i guess this is what they call growing up, huh? im independent, almost married and well, free but i sure am missing a lot at the same time.

good thing, i found this picture online that reminded me of the good times i had with my feline siblings...



i only wish that even though i don't get to see them much, they know how much i miss and love all of them... and that in their own feline way, they sometimes miss and think of me too... and hopefully, i can find a way to post all their pictures here for all the world to see my beautiful feline siblings...

Life begins at 21

Found this entry in my journal... it's something I wrote almost 3yrs ago... it was in August 4th 2001 to be exact. It's weird how we somehow grow sensitive to life changes when our birthday's just around the corner. Oh well, I guess that's exactly the reason why I suddenly remembered to post this in my blogger... I'd be 24 in less than two months...

************************

I’ll be turning 21 in nine days. Scary… I wonder how it's like when you’re 21… By that time, you really are a grown-up and you can no longer apologize for your immaturity and tell people it’s borne out of your youth.

At 21, I suppose people don’t merely hope or wish but plan and try to make things happen. And when they plan, there’s always a Plan A and Plan B or sometimes even a Plan C. It’s because time won’t wait for them anymore to think and come up with a back-up plan. You have to be prepared for anything… ALWAYS.

At 21, I suppose people live on the fast lane – a kind of life wherein you should always be on your toes, otherwise the world would leave you and you’ll just find yourself lost and dumbfounded, not knowing what hit you.

At 21, I suppose you're not allowed to ask for whatever it is that you like. It's either you make it happen and get it yourself, or deal with the fact that you can't have everything you want.
When you fall in love at 21, I suppose there's no room for immaturity. You may not always be serious, but just the same, you should be grown-up enough to take all the consequences of your actions.

If you commit a mistake at 21, you don't just apologize -- you really make up for it. And you don't apologize because you think it's polite, but because you understand what you've said or done wrong and so you SINCERELY apologize.

Well, I suppose being 21 is weird altogether. Some people may argue that it is at 18 marks one's transition from youth to adulthood, or that 21 is still a young age. Well, maybe… but for me, I guess being 21 is that point in our lives wherein we really take life more seriously. It marks our entry to "the real word" -- and signifies the beginning of our "real life."

I'll be turning 21 in nine days. Scary… but just the same, I'm excited. I'm eager to embrace whatever life I'll have as 21-year-old. I am most importantly thankful to live to see that morning when I'll be turning 21. I may not exactly be ready, but just the same, I guess I can go through with it and then after a year, I'll just smile and look back as I remember how it was when I was 21…