in pain

nothing can be more painful but to learn that the person you love the most doesn't feel the same way about you at all. it's like being betrayed by the whole world... like you don't know what happened during the last three and a half years of your life.

i know that being loved is something that you feel... something that you just know without even having to say word. yet there are times when you long to hear those words tp confirm that it is indeed a reality and not something that you wish to be true.

it hurts to know that you're holding on to a relationship that is optional... something that the other person can live with or without... and its insanely painful to know that that person is the one you even call the love of you life.

for my 24th birthday, i made a vow to myself that i'll do everything i can to make myself a better person. is god giving me a sign that letting go IS part of making myself a better person? but how can i go on improving myself if the one thing and the one person that means the world to me is not even there? how i can i ever go on with my life if all i have is my pain and all i ever feel is bitterness?

SCREW YOU, MS. FRIGID BITCH!

the person i hate the most is ms. frigid bitch.  she's a major control freak who wants people to do things her way.  she's a neat freak and expects others to be as well -- what a bully!

she's a major party pooper.  when she's around, you should always "take care of yourself" and be "proper."  she's like a mom who scolds her toddler for being too noisy or rowdy and for using cuss words in public places.

she's dense -- so dense, it's almost her superpower.  she keeps on rattling about things you don't give a shit about, and tells you to shut up when it's your turn to blow-off steam.  she doesn't give a fart about the things that are important to you -- she doesn't even sense how passionate you are about them.  sometimes, you think she's listening, but hell, she's not!  i doubt if she's ever capable of listening.  oh yeah, she said she is... as long as you talk about "important" things.  but of course, that's something that she decides.

she's so self-conscious, always thinking of what others say about her -- it's sickening.   she's always analyzing how she should do or say what so as not to offend anyone.  boohoo!!!

she always calls the shots.  when you get into a fight with her, she decides whose fault it is and when you could kiss and make up.  no matter how much you reach out and apologize (although the fight isn't necessarily your fault), if she's still mad, get lost!  cry your sorry ass off, she doesn't care!  if you're lucky and she admits to be at fault, she doesn't care if you're still mad at her.  she'll do her usual "dog tricks" (no pun intended) to get you laughing... and voila! you're okay again.

no matter how fed up you are with her... don't even dare break up with her especially if you're not sure you mean it.  she would never take you back.. yeah... that's how she operates.  she's so used to being a dumper that she can turn things around as a dumpee with that "it's your loss, not mine" cliche crap.  not having you around may be killing her, but being an egoistic bitch and all, she'll never admit it.  in the event that you come crawling back and you were blessed anough to be accepted, she doesn't say it to your face but she challenges you if you can take the heat again. if eventually you come whining and complaining about her misbehaving again or whatever, she'll remind you about that fateful day you came crawling back, like it's your fault that you put yourself i this situation in the first place.

she has a way of making things always YOUR fault.  it's either you did it or you allowed it to happen or you opened yourself to it or whatever -- in any case, you're responsible and you don't have any right to complain.  oh yeah, she also decides whether what you're feeling is valid or not.  if it's deemed invalid, you have to apologize for it.

ms. frigid bitch is a hopeless case.  she'll never change.  you can delude yourself that she's starting to be a little nicer, being a little less of the jerk she naturally is, but eventually you realize it's just your imagination playing a trick on you.  she's just hopeless... i swear, she'll never change... not in this lifetime...

today is a good day... well, at least better than yesterday!

another stressful work day has come! but im happier today as i sense a brighter shift coming my way...

to start off, i had a good day sleep. i woke up with a smile at the sight of the love of my life. we went on a dinner date where i ate steak, which was oh-so yummy. i bought cafe americano at starbucks... grande... enough to keep me up until what? tomorrow night's shift?! hehehe! i saw several pairs of shoes that im oh-so dying to buy (unless i die first before i can afford to buy any one of them) and to think i was never a shoe person (im more of a bag person). i saw someone from high school and was i glad to see her! she has grown prettier than she already is (can't believe that was even posible, but she did!) and i appreciate how she remained bubbly and friendly after all these years. (she actually stopped for a little chit-chat while some people, including yours truly, can only offer a simple hi-hello.) i am in the company of good friends here in the office... (god i love these people!) making it a lot easier to survive another typically stressful work day like this one.

oh well, having said that, i guess im ready to start working. :) later!

A Roller-Coaster Ride August

August this year is the scariest, most tiring yet most exciting August of my 24-year existence yet. Aside from turning 24 (Read: Quarter-life crisis), I am also due for regularization on my 3-year job, work is expected to be toxic the whole month (until October, actually), and my parents (finally) volunteered to buy me my dream phone as birthday gift.

I have waaayyyy so much stuff going on in my life right now that I'm seriously having mixed emotions about the coming month. As far as the regularization is concerned, I'm torn between hoping to get it as much as I don't really care 'cause I'm starting to get tired of it anyway and have been (seriously) thinking of resigning since June. Coupled with the stress and health problems that comes with the heavy workload, leaving does seem to be a brighter option for me at this point. Oh well, at least I have the phone to be happy about....
 
(There I go again... thinking like a 5-year old with her new toy. Well, I guess that's what you call "coping mechanism.")

Life's Mysteries from a Bad Girl's Perspective

Why are some people so bitter about life that they take their bitterness on other people?

Why are there bitches who enjoy getting on a free ride, risking being called a certified slut, while at the same time take pleasure on kissing people's asses in order to be liked?

Why do attention-hungry, social-climbing, power-trippers get big breaks when equally domineering corporate sluts with well, more experience and better diction end up being their subordinates?

How do closet queens survive inside their closets until their 30's?

Why are there air heads in the world?

Why are some people so good at being annoying that it's almost their special talent?

Why are day jobs a lot less financially rewarding than shifting jobs?

What am doing here in the office at 1:42AM??? I so wanna go home... ppft...

TRIVIA: What's the longest word?

ANSWER: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

It's a 45-letter word meaning "a lung disease caused by the inhalation of fine silica fibers."

I'm sooooooooooooo geeky.

S-T-R-E-S-S

why do we work again? oh yeah... to live. and i thought humans only need food, water and air to survive... then again, we're not just humans.

i'll be turning 24 in what... less than a month? and frankly, i still don't get this grown-up groove. though i've long accepted this new life as an independent, self-supporting, almost-married, relatively-young urban
professional, i can't help but sometimes wish that i'm in never never land with no responsibilities whatsoever.

oh well, that's all the time i have for today to bitch about life... gotta start working!!!

crowded

have i been cursed? why do i need to suffer such fate? i only wish to be able to express my thoughts... to relieve myself of the agony of being repressed.  why does this have to happen each time?
 
everyday and every night... thoughts flood my brain.  rushing and racing so fast that even i cannot seem to keep up with it.  i long to have the luxury of time to be able to sit down and write and let all my thoughts flow freely out of my already crowded little head.  but when i do get the chance, this happens...
 
 i would find myself sitting in front of my computer, eager to do a hundred and one things but write! i hate myself! why do i have to let these chances pass? what if they never come again?  why waste such good opportunity to let go? maybe because in reality, i don't want to.  maybe because im afraid to lose these thoughts... maybe because im afraid that they'renot valid... maybe because i feel guilty for even having them.
 
but if i don't learn to let go, when will i ever heal? when will i ever recognize my pain?

pissed

im so pissed right now.  i just got home from work... tired and sleepy.  i decided to go online to relax... play a little trivia on IRC and just hang-out (not not chat).  i joined my usual channels.  remembering i got kicked and banned from a foreign lesbian channel, #lesbian, with most of the operators from canada, i tried to join again.  i got in using my other script (which has a different address) and one of the ops asked for my ASL since my nick is unfamiliar.  at this point, i was busy arranging my windows out of plain OCness and before i can do anything else, i got kicked and banned again.  i whois'ed this other op who banned me yesterday, and went info another one of her channels to PM her.  i explained to her that my "suspicious channels" (which was apparently the reason why i was banned yesterday) were actually cities here in manila, philippines.  oh well, she was interested and just replied, "yesterday was yesterday but today is today."  that really pissed me off... i then told her... "oh well, never mind.  im not interested to chat on a lesbian channel with power-tripping ops anyways!" then left their pathetic channel.
 
i guess i just got pissed because i feel it's unfair for them to "judge" a person because of something they don't even know about! i understand they have rules like strictly no men, no sex channels, etc... but hey! you could at least PM this person you think have "suspicious channels."  they're just pathetic.  and i thought a foreign lesbian channel has a more friendly atmosphere since it's full of people from different backgrounds... then again, i was wrong.
 
i don't want to discriminate those operators for being canadians... i mean, i myself loathe racists.  and besides, there were some cool and friendly operators there before.  it's just that i feel sorry for them for "power-tripping" like that.  screw those pathetic bitches! grrrrrr!!!! 

tekky

i love technology... being an average, 20something, filipino female with an equally average yet very challenging life, i am able to survive with so much help from technology.

i am able to regularly communicate with a lot of people, apart from those im already working with and be a responsible adult by being able to attend to bills and other important stuff in spite of my toxic sked. i am able to satisfy my insatiable thirst for anything new and interesting, and even share these new-found knowledge with people dear to me.

most of all, technology never ceases to make me a little smarter everyday. it seems like there's always something new to learn... a new website, a new game, an entirely new concept... it's virtually endless!

i especially like the thought that technology now is very encouraging as far as creativity is concerned... with websites like these for me to make my virtual scribbles... with my blogger, it's as if i don't have an excuse anymore not to be able to write 'cause i don't have time!

i know my thoughts are sometimes senseless or even dumb... but what the heck! they're mine! and i sure am glad i have my own little space in cyberspace, i can call my own... to simply express these crazy, senseless thoughts of mine...

Sunday = Me day

Since I've started working in 2001, weekends stopped being my official rest days. Working in a call center for almost three years now, I think I've experienced having most if not all possible schedules known to the center. I've had 12-9, 8-5 -- AM/PM, 5AM-2PM, 1:30-10:30AM, etc.

I had numerous months of no social life, no night-outs, just one-hour dinner dates before my shift if I'm lucky. There were times when I missed a whole lot of good movies and more of my favorite primetime TV shows. I guess it takes a lot of courage and sanity to make it in a call center. Courage, because you have to be brave to ride a commuter vehicle, specifically a PUJ or a cab at any given sked. Sanity, for there would be a lot of depressing times when you feel guilty of having to work, having to leave your wife alone at night, or you're just sick and tired of living for your job. I experienced coming home from work, too tired to do anything else but sleep, then wake up just in time to have dinner, take a bath, dress up and fly to work.

Oftentimes, I'm thinking, why am doing this to myself? Why this job? Is this worth everything I've missed and still missing? Am I willing to miss more in the future? I have been asking myself these questions for the longish time and yet I haven't found an answer... one that I can full convince myself with.

Recently, I have been fortunate to have weekend offs. For some time now, I have been able to play badminton with family and friends, watch movies in theaters, do a whole lot of shopping, catch up on my primetime faves, and a whole lot more. Before, I only think of spending time my significant other on dates, cuddling up, catching up... but now, I've realized that apart from my wife, my parents and my friends, there's one person who misses me most and with whom I need to catch up with the most. And that person is ME.

Since I plunged (head-first) into the world of jobs, bills and responsibilities, it was as if I lost touch with myself -- to really know what I need and want. It was as if I just grew up and all I hear from myself now are orders and pep talks of how I should be, what I should do, what's right, what's wrong, that I'm independent now and in a very committed relationship so I shouldn't be screwing up. But hey, I still have guilty pleasures, you know? I like thinking "what if?" like what if I quit my job and be a bum, what if I'm single and can flirt around? Sometimes, I want to be pretty and feel pretty in spite of me being all fat. Sometimes, I just want to be lazy and not move a muscle. Sometimes, I like disconnecting from the world, like turn my mobile phone off and have the answering machine answer all my calls. So now, that's what I've been doing. I make Sundays my day. If I feel tired, I sleep the whole day... and night. If I wanna pamper myself, I declare my own Spa Day at home. If I wanna pig out, I cook myself some nice meals and feast in front of the TV and have a TV marathon. The possibilities are endless! There's always something fun to do on Sundays.

So there, by the time I have to go to work for another stressful work week, I'm ready. Knowing I had fun with me for at least day prepares me for another battle and also gives me something to look forward to for the next 6 days!

Guess what else happened on August 13th?

Did you know that in August 13th 1926, Fidel Castro Ruz, Cuban dictator was born??? Also, Did you know that in 1996, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 3.0??? Cool huh?!

These are only a couple of other events that happened on my birthdate... there are tons more!!!

Wanna know what else happened during your own birthdate? Visit FamousDays.com - Birthday Event Database to find out!

|BadGirl`Fiction| – Housemates

HOUSEMATES
By Jelaine Macaraeg

I was having breakfast with a friend when I saw Angela walk past with a girl I don't know. I remember she told me the night before that she'll be doing field work today and that she'll be with "May" -- some girl from a company they're working with. I waved. I was so happy to see her. We haven't been seeing each other because of our skeds... she works 9-5, I work 9-6... that is, 9AM-5PM and 9PM-6AM...

She just waved back and smiled. My friend asked me where she was going, why she was even here. She knew that Angela doesn't work around the area. I explained she's actually working that's why she can't come in to chat.

After half an hour, I finally decided to call it a day and went home. I texted Angela on my way home.

"Hi! Im on a cab alrdy. It was nys seeing u. 2 bad u cant stay. Oh well, im sure u told May dat im a friend... either dat or im ur housemate..."

As expected, she did not reply – the whole day.

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After a couple of days, I realized I'm not okay with what happened. I admitted to myself that this is something I need to talk to her about... I can't keep this to myself like this. So I finally asked her, "Ey! You didn't reply to my message..."

"What message?" she asked.

"My message the other day..."

"About May?" So, she isn't that dense after all.

"Yeah... what did you tell her?"

I saw this coming... I swear, I am actually expecting this answer... but I don't know...

"I told her you're my housemate."

"Oh, ok.. Thought so..."

And there it was... again... that weird, uncomfortable feeling inside my chest... coupled with that strange heavy feeling down your throat, like you swallowed a ball. I think this is what they call "pain." Yeah... I guess that's what it was.. I was hurt. Really hurt...

I felt tears falling down... I didn't want to cry but I just did. I guess I just can't believe it...

Over three years of being almost married... Being so in love, building our lives together... and yet, I'm referred to as her "housemate." It's all too weird for me.
I think what bothers me most is the fact that we never had this "problem" with anyone else but people from HER work. I mean, we're both out as far as our families and friends are concerned, and I'm also out to everyone I'm working with. The first couple of times that this happened, I was fine... But I guess if it happens all the time, it just gets into you.

A good friend once told me that there's no such thing as getting over... there's only that feeling of getting used to. Well, in my case, I may have gotten over the fact that Angela can't just be as out as I am but it's being called her “housemate" that I can never get used to.

Sheesh... can't she even refer to me as her best friend??? I mean, housemates don't even have to be friends... they just happen to share the same space, which they both call their house. I don't know... maybe I'm just over reacting... Don't get me wrong, I do understand her... But I guess understanding something doesn't mean it cannot hurt you.

Oh well, maybe someday, when she's really out... as out as I am, maybe then I can finally be her girlfriend... In the meantime, here I am, Angela's "housemate" just loving her the same way I've done over the years...