I was sent home today – the second time this week – due to my perennial problem, hyperacidity. I was having trouble breathing, moreover speaking, with all the tightness and pain in my stomach. I’m not sure if it was the root beer I had yesterday or the self-inflicted stress I’ve been putting myself through that’s causing it. Whatever it is, this shit has become such a major pain in the ass – causing me not only to spend big bucks on meds (again) but to ruin my stats as well.
It’s a bit ironic. My hyperacidity is ruining my stats when in fact, I have an inkling as to what’s causing it. Yesterday, we had our usual team meeting and the news wasn’t anywhere near pleasant. Our Average Handling Time (AHT) is the highest among all the teams and my poor Team Manager was made to commit to some stupid magical number by the end of the week or we’re risking having a team reshuffling. Nightmare. Total nightmare.
I remember how in Grey’s Anatomy, Dr. Cristina Yang (played by the great Sandra Oh) was bitching about how Burke turned her into a “fat, stupid, pregnant girl who cares.” I find it funny how she said that… it was like she was making fun or looking down on people who feels; likes she’s this stoic person who doesn’t give a fart about anyone or anything. Every so often, I strive to be like that – numb, dense, distant – but not to the point of being heartless or cold. As I’ve learned over the years, being unfeeling makes disappointment a lot easier to swallow and makes emotional pain a lot more bearable. Caring, on the other hand, makes an ever-changing world more difficult to face. Sometimes, it even makes truth an unpleasant reality to deal with, instead of a positive energy that we welcome whole-heartedly. Through the years, I swear, I’ve tried not to care about the people I work with. But when I was in high school, for instance, I made connections that I had such a fucking hard time to let go… and it happened again in college… and then in my first real job with Team Hopi… and then again with my QA peers… Wow, when will I ever learn?!
Every time I join a new family, my game plan is to keep things cool. Mingle but don’t get involved. Build relationships but never let your guard totally down. Always keep a certain distance and never ever care too much. If possible, don’t even care at all! And now, here I am, feeling so fucking upset about the possibility of a team reshuffle if we don’t get our acts together. I spent my morning thinking about how I can help, how I can improve so we can all stay together… I prayed for focus and determination that our team doesn’t lose sight of the task at hand and to realize that giving up is never an option. I can’t forget how one of my teammates almost felt like crying yesterday… for some, they may think it’s a joke or even an over-reaction but I know she meant it. I want my team and I’d sincerely have a very tough time to let go if worse comes to worst. So during the first couple of hours of my shift, I’ve been obsessing about my handling time, getting all short-fused when I feel guests are just wasting my time. Then of course, it happened. The pain, the throwing up, the difficulty in breathing… It was horrible!
And now… here I am at home… confused. I’m still stressing about my AHT and my team,of course but at the same time, I’m stressing about the cost of my meds and how I’ll pay for them next month and if I can go to work tomorrow. Oh and another thing. I also found out yesterday that there’s a job opening in another account, which is unfortunately located on a different site. Since the news about the possible reshuffle, I’ve been seriously considering transferring. After all, I do miss being a QA plus the fact that a promotion would definitely help my finances a great deal. Transportation is an issue, of course… thus, more stress for me. So, there! S-T-R-E-S-S all day long!!!
Seriously, can’t I just stop caring about anything?!
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