Malungkot ang Buhay Ko

Bakit sa pelikula, nung inukit 'to ni regine sa isang bench, nagka-love life sya? Ako, eto... feeling ko matatapos na ang love life kaya nasabi ko yan.

Haaayyy... sana parang pelikula ang buhay. Pero nde.

Shet.

Hirap maging aktres... lalo na yung manhid-ako-school-of-acting. Kahit hurt, dedma lng. Wag papahalata. You wouldn't want to upset anyone.

Pag ikaw na ang palpak, weird how everything blows out of proportion. Parang ikaw na bigla ang pinakamasamang elemento sa balat ng lupa. You deserve to be hated and be left alone.

Haaayyy buhay... araw-araw pasakit. Mahirap mabuhay, just to be ourselves. You want to break free... you feel restrained. But if you ever do... pagsisisihan mo -- sigurado yan.

Pag may nakaabot pa sa part nito ng sinusulat ko, pakipost ng address mo sa bahay at ipadadala ko na lng ang tropeo mo sa pagiging labis na matyagang magbasa ng hinanakit ng iba.

Wala nang kapupuntahan to... Hhhmmm? Parang love life ko?

Scary naman yon...

Pano nga kaya kung bigla na lang kmeng matapos? Kaya ko kaya?

Sana... Sana...

Kitchiemania

I fell in love with her voice and her music when I first saw her video, Run on MTV. I'm so happy now that her debut album is finally out.

Kitchie Nadal's self-titled album is packed with ten amazing tracks. My favorite of which are Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin and the acoustic version of Same Ground. One can play her entire CD and get totally warped into a roller-coaster ride of emotions -- from being spiritual to angry to bitter. It's a real treat for someone like me, whose stress level is reaching its all time high and for anyone else who appreciates good music.

For more information and pictures of the amazing Kitchie, visit her website.


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WAG NA WAG MONG SASABIHIN
Kitchie Nadal

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't di mapakali, Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin sa mga sinabi mo na

Iba'ng nararapat sa akin na tunay kong mamahalin

***O... Wag na wag mong sasabihin na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

Ano man ang inaakala
Na ako'y isang bituin na walang sasambahin
’Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot langit ang daing sa mga sinabi mo na...

Iba'ng nararapat sa akin na tunay kong mamahalin

***

At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa'yo...
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa'yo...



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SAME GROUND
Kitchie Nadal

My love
It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you the way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game
It's strange I never would've wanted until there was you
Because I learned that love is beyond what human can imagine
The more it clears the more I have to let you go

***’Cause what I don't understand is why I'm feeling so bad now
When I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground

My love
It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you the way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game
It's strange I never would've wanted until there was you
Because I have learned that love is a word that gets thrown a little bit too much
The best excuse to fill this infinite abyss
I never have to if all else fail

***

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me
When all else fail
Would you be brave to see right through me...

My CFS CFS!

My CFS CFS means: My Customer-Focused Sales call flow sucks!

A couple of weeks back, I've started training for a sales account. Since time immemorial, I've taken it to myself that selling is not my thing. Not that I hate it hate it, but I'm just not good at it. But still, I kept an open mind... taking in everything... studying, researching (which has been very fun, by the way), plus, I have the greatest American coaches who have been very supportive and all... but just the same, I'm not happy!!!

Oh, shoot! Since Friday last week, we have been taking calls and I just hated it. I guess it really is true that you start missing the things you have when they're gone. I used to say that I'm tired of monitoring calls but now, God I miss monitoring!!!

Last night, I wasn't able to go to work. Since I woke up yesterday and then again this morning, I have been palpitating. I guess my stress level has once again reached its all-time high. I haven't been very friendly. I've been snapping at my wife since the other day and totally bitched at the Customer Service Dept of my internet provider, for which I'm thankful for nothing, since they weren't able to assist me and that I fixed the problem by myself. This is reallllllyyyy bad.

Somebody, anybody, help me!!! Please stop this nightmare!!!

Love Lessons from Experience : Theirs not Mine

for NaNoBlogMo
***writing starts Nov 1st***

The Secret behind "Sadness Speaks"

"Sadness Speaks" is definitely the one work that has made me feel proud of my writing after quite a while. Since I graduated from college, I never really had the venue to write. Well, there's the message board where I would air out my thoughts but they're generally real-life expressions and more on opinions rather that creative writing (although I've also done that there several times).

Well anyway, "Sadness Speaks" is officially my most emotional work to date. My works normally have a sarcastic tone, or maybe even bitter but that one was especially draining. I had a couple of friends telling me how heavy-hearted they felt after reading it, while my baby sister in the office actually cried -- not because it happened to her, but she already experienced being in that situation of being left behind and reading the story just generally changed her perspective, making her appreciate her boyfriend more. Plus of course, my virtual friend actually checked on me, asked me if that really happened! I was really touched by her concern, but fortunately, "Sadness Speaks" is pure fiction.

So everyone might be wondering, how on earth was I able to draw out such great emotion out of my system, writing as if I actually lost a loved one? Well, the secret is rather surprising. I was listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal" the whole time that I was writing -- as in, it was looped in my Windows Media Player. And trust me, I was crying virtually the whole time that I was typing. Of course, I also had to relate some of my personal experiences like how I would've felt if I lose my wife now, how my world would probably fall apart and stuff like that. Well, if there's anything real about the story, it's the fact that I don't know any sort of life without her. I mean, we've been together since I graduated from college and moved out of our parents' house. So anyone could just imagine how painful it will be if all that will be taken away from me.

So there... the secret's out. Hopefully, I'd be able to write more fiction -- or simply write more in general -- in spite of my busy sked... and of course, have some stuff published again... just like in ancient times... :)

Soundtrack Girl

I have a new "thing." This is a fascination that I just found myself to already have. I recently noticed that I love soundtracks. The songs I download, the MP3s I convert to .wav files for my phone... they're all from my favorite movies or TV shows. Some are not even songs, for crying out loud!

Even when I was in college, my friends were like "Duh?!" when I tell them that I have MP3s of the themes from "Kenan and Kel" and "All That." Up to this day, I still have tracks from MTV's "Daria," which some people don't even remember to have ever existed. Now, I'm downloading the themes from "The Practice" and "Survivor" as we speak.

But of course, I am most proud of my latest ringtones... I have CSI-Las Vegas (The Who's "Who Are You?") as well as CSI-Miami ("We Won't Get Fooled Again" also by The Who). Not to mention themes from "Legally Blonde" and "Set it Off" -- both of which are my fave movies.

Yeah, I'm soundtrack girl alright... and damn proud of it!

Blah at 6AM

My new sked is from 7AM to 4AM.

I got home at around 4:30AM. I was trying to save money that's why I took a jeep instead of a cab -- going to and coming home from work. On my way home, I stopped by 7eleven and bought me and my wife some snacks. I bought a jumbo siopao and some treats from Mister Donuts. As I was walking home, I was thinking... I didn't save any money at all! The P100 I could've saved from the cab rides, I ended up spending on food instead so it's actually the same thing. Then I realized, I still saved money. I could've bought the same thing even if I took those two cab rides, meaning I would've spent twice as much. Not to mention, it was for food! After a hard day's work, I guess I deserve to treat myself to a decent "breakfast" slash "dinner" with a little dessert to boot.

This justification of my day's spending was all the more well, justified when I was preparing my wifey's baon. I guess money is not at all that important when you use it to buy something that you know will make your loved one happy. For me to buy her some snacks makes me happy because through that, I know I'm able to show her that I care for her so much and that I love her. Those treats would tell her that I think of her all the time, even during the wee hours of the morning even though some may already be too brain dead to think of anything else during those times. As they say, just thinking of someone you love -- just wanting to make them happy -- that's priceless.

So, did I save money today? I certainly did... and guess what -- I even earned so much more...

|BadGirl`Fiction| – Sadness Speaks

SADNESS SPEAKS
By Jelaine Macaraeg

I am not prepared for this. I never prepared myself for this. Can anyone possibly prepare herself for anything like this? So much pain… this is all so new to me. I don’t want this feeling yet I have no choice. This is the only feeling I have now. Try as I might to feel differently, there’s nothing I can do but take everything in…

Sadness… I never learned to handle this emotion. For the past ten years of my life, it seems like happiness was the only emotion my heart recognizes. Sometimes, there’s sadness or maybe even pain, but nothing this bad… nothing this intense. Will I ever survive this?

You said you’ll be back. I didn’t want you to leave. You hated me for being stubborn. I told you I can’t survive an entire month without you. A weekend, I can bear as long as I’m busy. Maybe even three days I can take. I just need to work my ass off and go home when I’m too tired to do anything else. But a month?! That’s crazy! I can’t be too busy for one whole month enough for me not to notice that you’re not here. You told me you really needed to go. It’s work. You reminded me how you won’t stop me from leaving if my job calls for it. Our friends were calling me unreasonable behind my back, I’m sure. I didn’t care. I was just being honest. I didn’t want you to go. Of course, I didn’t have a choice. It’s important to you. I love you so much and you knew that. You didn’t nag me about letting you go. You waited. You patiently waited for me to understand – as always.

You were so excited when I asked you if you’ve started making your “To bring” list. You smiled and hugged me. You knew I’d come around. I’ve always loved that about you. You knew me so well. We had lots of fun shopping for your new clothes and even more fun when we bought your luggage. It was crazy how we were looking for one that is big enough for you to fit me inside! Do you still remember how I hated shopping before I met you? Look how much I’ve changed! I’m now a certified shopaholic just like you. But of course, shopping is no fun without you. I sometimes think that it’s being with you that made shopping appealing to me. Otherwise, I’d still dread it. What do you think?

The day you left was crazy. We spent the whole night before making sweet love. I told you I’d make you too tired to look or even think about other girls. In the morning, we had breakfast – your favorite – and I was giving you a list of the things you should buy for me. By the time we were at the airport, I was already wailing in the car. You were pissed because you made me promise that I won’t cry. I seriously thought I wouldn’t either, I swear! But I can’t help it. The thought of not being with you for one whole month is just unbearable. It makes me sad just thinking about it. But then, of course, your comforting embrace and sweet kisses calmed me down. I was smiling again just before you boarded the plane. I just cried some more as soon as I went home… I cried for two more days.

Thank God for technology, we were still in constant touch in spite of the great distance. I finally got to appreciate the webcam you bought. I was so mad at you when you first brought it home. I told you there’s nothing we can use it for. But you were right! One can never tell. Seeing you… at least the pixelated you on my computer screen drives me crazy. It’s comforting to know that I can see you, yet it makes me so sad that I can only see you and that’s all. At night, I would always cry before I sleep, wishing you’ll be home soon. During the day, I would sometimes cry at work, as if by reflex because I feel this great heaviness of missing you. I hate that feeling.

I was so happy when you called telling me that your trip will be cut short and you’ll be home in three days. I bought new sheets for our bed and went grocery-shopping for the freshest ingredients of all your favorite dishes. My boss was so pissed for filing a vacation leave on such short notice. I begged him and told him this is extremely important to me. I even had to promise that I’d help him get a date until he granted my request. By the way, I also had my hair and nails done. I want you to have the prettiest date when you get back.


Can you just imagine how my world fell apart when I received the call about the accident? I can’t believe how stupid your officemate was! A night of partying and he even had the gall to volunteer to drive all of you home! Sometimes I want to blame you. Why didn’t you just get a cab? You don’t even drink, for crying out loud! Why did you have to get involved in this? It’s so unfair! Why you? What now? How about me?

I wish you never had to go. I wish I cried hard enough in the airport that it changed your mind and you decided to stay. I wish it was not important for your job – I wish you weren’t even working there at all! What will I do now? No more shopping for me… no more breakfasts… no more nights of making sweet love… no nothing. I can’t function without you, you know that right? I do believe I’ve told you that – at least a hundred thousand times in the past ten years.

How can one possibly move on with this much pain? The only life I’ve known is the one I’ve spent with you. I don’t even know who I am if I’m not your girl. Every night, I cry myself to sleep… I cry even harder now than when you first left. Then I knew you’d be back in a month… but now, I know you would never come back. No more embrace nor sweet kisses to calm me down. No webcam for me to at least see your beautiful face. No way to talk to you, no way to feel you. I just know you’re there, watching over me in everything that I do.

I wish our love is strong enough to help me get through this. I wish I can be strong enough without you. You have always been my source of strength. You have always believed in me that I can do anything. Now that I’m without you, I can only wish I can be all those things that you said I am. Until then, I’ll just cry some more and let my sadness speak…