I am not prepared for this. I never prepared myself for this. Can anyone possibly prepare herself for anything like this? So much pain… this is all so new to me. I don’t want this feeling yet I have no choice. This is the only feeling I have now. Try as I might to feel differently, there’s nothing I can do but take everything in…
Sadness… I never learned to handle this emotion. For the past ten years of my life, it seems like happiness was the only emotion my heart recognizes. Sometimes, there’s sadness or maybe even pain, but nothing this bad… nothing this intense. Will I ever survive this?
You said you’ll be back. I didn’t want you to leave. You hated me for being stubborn. I told you I can’t survive an entire month without you. A weekend, I can bear as long as I’m busy. Maybe even three days I can take. I just need to work my ass off and go home when I’m too tired to do anything else. But a month?! That’s crazy! I can’t be too busy for one whole month enough for me not to notice that you’re not here. You told me you really needed to go. It’s work. You reminded me how you won’t stop me from leaving if my job calls for it. Our friends were calling me unreasonable behind my back, I’m sure. I didn’t care. I was just being honest. I didn’t want you to go. Of course, I didn’t have a choice. It’s important to you. I love you so much and you knew that. You didn’t nag me about letting you go. You waited. You patiently waited for me to understand – as always.
You were so excited when I asked you if you’ve started making your “To bring” list. You smiled and hugged me. You knew I’d come around. I’ve always loved that about you. You knew me so well. We had lots of fun shopping for your new clothes and even more fun when we bought your luggage. It was crazy how we were looking for one that is big enough for you to fit me inside! Do you still remember how I hated shopping before I met you? Look how much I’ve changed! I’m now a certified shopaholic just like you. But of course, shopping is no fun without you. I sometimes think that it’s being with you that made shopping appealing to me. Otherwise, I’d still dread it. What do you think?
The day you left was crazy. We spent the whole night before making sweet love. I told you I’d make you too tired to look or even think about other girls. In the morning, we had breakfast – your favorite – and I was giving you a list of the things you should buy for me. By the time we were at the airport, I was already wailing in the car. You were pissed because you made me promise that I won’t cry. I seriously thought I wouldn’t either, I swear! But I can’t help it. The thought of not being with you for one whole month is just unbearable. It makes me sad just thinking about it. But then, of course, your comforting embrace and sweet kisses calmed me down. I was smiling again just before you boarded the plane. I just cried some more as soon as I went home… I cried for two more days.
Thank God for technology, we were still in constant touch in spite of the great distance. I finally got to appreciate the webcam you bought. I was so mad at you when you first brought it home. I told you there’s nothing we can use it for. But you were right! One can never tell. Seeing you… at least the pixelated you on my computer screen drives me crazy. It’s comforting to know that I can see you, yet it makes me so sad that I can only see you and that’s all. At night, I would always cry before I sleep, wishing you’ll be home soon. During the day, I would sometimes cry at work, as if by reflex because I feel this great heaviness of missing you. I hate that feeling.
I was so happy when you called telling me that your trip will be cut short and you’ll be home in three days. I bought new sheets for our bed and went grocery-shopping for the freshest ingredients of all your favorite dishes. My boss was so pissed for filing a vacation leave on such short notice. I begged him and told him this is extremely important to me. I even had to promise that I’d help him get a date until he granted my request. By the way, I also had my hair and nails done. I want you to have the prettiest date when you get back.
Can you just imagine how my world fell apart when I received the call about the accident? I can’t believe how stupid your officemate was! A night of partying and he even had the gall to volunteer to drive all of you home! Sometimes I want to blame you. Why didn’t you just get a cab? You don’t even drink, for crying out loud! Why did you have to get involved in this? It’s so unfair! Why you? What now? How about me?
I wish you never had to go. I wish I cried hard enough in the airport that it changed your mind and you decided to stay. I wish it was not important for your job – I wish you weren’t even working there at all! What will I do now? No more shopping for me… no more breakfasts… no more nights of making sweet love… no nothing. I can’t function without you, you know that right? I do believe I’ve told you that – at least a hundred thousand times in the past ten years.
How can one possibly move on with this much pain? The only life I’ve known is the one I’ve spent with you. I don’t even know who I am if I’m not your girl. Every night, I cry myself to sleep… I cry even harder now than when you first left. Then I knew you’d be back in a month… but now, I know you would never come back. No more embrace nor sweet kisses to calm me down. No webcam for me to at least see your beautiful face. No way to talk to you, no way to feel you. I just know you’re there, watching over me in everything that I do.
I wish our love is strong enough to help me get through this. I wish I can be strong enough without you. You have always been my source of strength. You have always believed in me that I can do anything. Now that I’m without you, I can only wish I can be all those things that you said I am. Until then, I’ll just cry some more and let my sadness speak…
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