I was having breakfast with a friend when I saw Angela walk past with a girl I don't know. I remember she told me the night before that she'll be doing field work today and that she'll be with "May" -- some girl from a company they're working with. I waved. I was so happy to see her. We haven't been seeing each other because of our skeds... she works 9-5, I work 9-6... that is, 9AM-5PM and 9PM-6AM...
She just waved back and smiled. My friend asked me where she was going, why she was even here. She knew that Angela doesn't work around the area. I explained she's actually working that's why she can't come in to chat.
After half an hour, I finally decided to call it a day and went home. I texted Angela on my way home.
"Hi! Im on a cab alrdy. It was nys seeing u. 2 bad u cant stay. Oh well, im sure u told May dat im a friend... either dat or im ur housemate..."
As expected, she did not reply – the whole day.
After a couple of days, I realized I'm not okay with what happened. I admitted to myself that this is something I need to talk to her about... I can't keep this to myself like this. So I finally asked her, "Ey! You didn't reply to my message..."
"What message?" she asked.
"My message the other day..."
"About May?" So, she isn't that dense after all.
"Yeah... what did you tell her?"
I saw this coming... I swear, I am actually expecting this answer... but I don't know...
"I told her you're my housemate."
"Oh, ok.. Thought so..."
And there it was... again... that weird, uncomfortable feeling inside my chest... coupled with that strange heavy feeling down your throat, like you swallowed a ball. I think this is what they call "pain." Yeah... I guess that's what it was.. I was hurt. Really hurt...
I felt tears falling down... I didn't want to cry but I just did. I guess I just can't believe it...
Over three years of being almost married... Being so in love, building our lives together... and yet, I'm referred to as her "housemate." It's all too weird for me.
I think what bothers me most is the fact that we never had this "problem" with anyone else but people from HER work. I mean, we're both out as far as our families and friends are concerned, and I'm also out to everyone I'm working with. The first couple of times that this happened, I was fine... But I guess if it happens all the time, it just gets into you.
A good friend once told me that there's no such thing as getting over... there's only that feeling of getting used to. Well, in my case, I may have gotten over the fact that Angela can't just be as out as I am but it's being called her “housemate" that I can never get used to.
Sheesh... can't she even refer to me as her best friend??? I mean, housemates don't even have to be friends... they just happen to share the same space, which they both call their house. I don't know... maybe I'm just over reacting... Don't get me wrong, I do understand her... But I guess understanding something doesn't mean it cannot hurt you.
Oh well, maybe someday, when she's really out... as out as I am, maybe then I can finally be her girlfriend... In the meantime, here I am, Angela's "housemate" just loving her the same way I've done over the years...
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1 comment:
u mentioned u'r both out in public and like u, i wonder too, why she'd referrd 2u as housemate. maybe she wants to spare herself from explaining things further.
i guess u already knew what was her reason right now.
take care.
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