Wanna laugh? Watch FENG SHUI

Before I start this post, let me start with a disclaimer.

I am not by any chance dissing the movie for the heck of it. Nor am I dissing any of the cast, nor any other person involved in the creation of the movie. In the first place, what'll I get from this?! Nothing.

So, here I go.

Sunday shift is always the worst shift of the week. It's the last day of my work week and because I have been a bad girl, I have tons of things to catch up on. Sunday nights are boring in Eastwood. Most of the places are closed or close early, there are only a few people at work... the office is generally quiet, almost haunted.

Last Sunday, I was so excited to go home because I know that mijeL v2.0 (refer to previous post, "Dreams do Come True") is waiting for me at home. By 1:30PM... I finally finished everything. I felt so tired, being in the office since 11PM the previous evening. I met up with my wife at the bank to pay our bills then we went to Super Bowl for a fantastic lunch. When we were having lunch, she asked me if I want to watch a movie. I said I think I'm too tired for that. But I saw her made this you-know-I'm-disappointed-and-you-should-know-what-to-do-next pa-cute frown on her face so I agreed. I said I think I want to go home first to drop my stuff off. I'm like a nomad, you see. I always have my big back pack, loaded with so many weird things and of course, my trusty lunch box, which includes a 1L water container. She put on "the face" again and said I might end up sleeping then we'll never leave again to see a movie. I agreed to buy our tickets now so we don't any option but to get back in an hour to watch the 4:10PM showing. By this time, we've already agreed to watch "Feng Shui." You see, we like trying out weird things sometimes. Not to mention, I don't like "The Borne Supremacy" and "The Terminal," nor "The Exorcist." Yeah, I know what you're thinking... I AM WEIRD.

So anyways, we decided to check out the arcade first, which was so cool because their VIP card even has your picture and information on it. When I saw this arcade game, (I forgot the name) which is much like Dance Revolution, but you use your hands instead, we totally forgot about the going home part and before we know it, we only have enough time to buy coffee and popcorn before the movie starts.

When we were finally seated (we got the best seat, by the way), I was thinking, "God, please don't let me fall asleep. I mean, I don't mean anything by that, but you could just imagine how tired I already am by this time. When the movie started, I swear, I kept an open-mind. Do not judge the script, nor the costumes, nor Kris Aquino's acting or anybody else's... just watch. As the cliche goes, just seat back, relax and enjoy the movie. So I did.

I find the opening credits nice. It showed the various religious and superstitious idols and paraphernalia people use all the time. True enough, Filipinos would believe any concept of luck -- regardless of its religious background. People who identify themselves as Catholics would have a Buddha on their place of business for better sales.

The setting wasn't bad either. It's a typical Pinoy neighborhood. There's your suking tindahan, a Manong tricycle driver for going out of the subdivision, a friendly neighbor whose kid if your child's playmate. Since the story was set at the time Joy's family (Joy, being Kris Aquino) just moved into their own house, the walls were freshly painted, looked really clean, yet you know that they're not exactly settled yet.

The characters were 3-dimensional enough. Personally, I hate watching movies wherein the characters are introduced one by one, like who she is, where did she come from, what's her goal in the story, etc, but the character itself never really builds up until the end of the movie. In this case, they are already who they are. No need to elaborate on their individual personalities to show who's the protagonist, nor any extravagant showcase of evil to prove who's the antagonist. As the situations unfold, the audience themselves can get to know the characters better. And the information offered about them is enough for us to know them in the context of the story -- nothing more, nothing less. The rest, you might want to evaluate on your own.

Now, the bombshell. The theme was fine, I guess... I mean, the classic conflict between a curse and the heroine who vows to break it and not just escape from it. The curse involves a bagua, a Chinese symbol of good luck, which is normally placed above door frames outside the house. As far as I know, the logic behind this is that the mirror is supposed to reflect bad vibes back so the house will only be filled with good, thus, riches and other forms of good luck. In the story, the bagua in question was owned by the richest family in Shanghai during a certain dynasty. The daughter, called Lotus Feet (because her feet were bound) was left by her own brother at the time of political unrest as he fled with all his wives and children. Lotus Feet didn't know that everyone else left her as well, including their servants, who later on joined the Communist Party. One of their servants even led the group who burned their house down while Lotus Feet, helpless and cannot run, died in the fire, with the bagua clutched to her chest. Before she died, she vowed to the mirror that whoever sees himself in the mirror will die, but the person who finds it and is considered the owner, will have all the luck the world has to offer. But the flipside of getting all these, is that for every good luck, there'll be an equal misfortune around him/her.

This theme per se is fine. I just have a problem with the victims' cause of death. The first man was apparently born in the year of the rabbit. He got killed when he was run over by a bus from Rabbit Lines. Second victim, the bakery owner - born in the year of the rat died of Leptospirosis (a disease you get from eating or drinking something contaminated by rat urine). Third, the tricycle driver -- born in the year of the rooster, got himself killed in a fight when he lost at the sabungan, and the security guard, born in the year of the snake got bitten by one. These were hmmm... pretty fine, I guess, although the rabbit thing was too strange for me.

So by this time, the audience already know how the curse works, right? And we all know that Joy's friend, Alice (played by Lotlot deLeon) will be next and she was apparently born in the year of the horse. My wife and I started joking that she might get killed in San Lazaro while watching a horse race or something. Then there was this scene wherein Alice's neighbor, a drunkard was harassing her. They got into a fight and the drunkard started attacking her. They ensued into a rather physical and violent fight and my wife was already betting on her getting killed by a bottle of Red Horse -- like maybe he'll strike her with it or something. To everyone's surprise (and err, amusement), while the drunkard and Alice were struggling against each other, the drunkard hit her with an ironing board, which in the vernacular is actually called a kabayo ng planstahan! But this didn't kill her... she fell off the window... and landed on a pile of Red Horse Beer cases. So, my wife was right. She was killed by Red Horse beer.

From that point on, everyone started to laugh... as if everyone totally forgot that this is a horror flick and we're supposed to be filled with fear and not with gas. This totally killed the feel of the movie. From this scene forward, everyone started to watch for other bloopers, if not, another corny death -- like getting shot by a man with a tatoo of a bulldog on his arm. Uh-huh... you guessed it... the victims were both born in the year of the dog. (I personally thought that the Jay Manalo, who played as Kris Aquino's husband will get killed by his mistress. You know, get killed by a bitch).

Over all, the movie wasn't really a waste of good money. It was entertaining, fun and well, interesting. It was in fact a great date experience for me, considering I haven't slept nor bathed yet! One thing's for sure though. I've been very careful since I watched the movie. I haven't been fooling around 'cause you know... I was born 1980 and I don't like to die while doing some monkey business! Bwahahahahaha!!!