Happy Ending

To start off, I would like to thank my good friends, Jayce and Jen for being there for me yesterday when I was so down. Your inspiring words and sincere hugs are very much appreciated... I wouldn't have survived that work night without you! :)

And so from there, my story continues...

When I got home this morning... everything was well, normal. We were in speaking terms, she was nice to me... i think she was even sweet. We spent the morning reading through the transcript of the Charmed Season Finale until I finally dozed off. When I woke up, we were still, uh, normal... still in speaking terms, she was still nice... I remember she was still sweet. She said she wanted hot chocolate so I asked her out for dinner (nothing really special, actually). Then we took a bath, dressed up... I was starting to fell real depressed that we were, well, too normal. I felt rather uncomfortable that we had a mean fight last night, bordering to a major break up and here we are, normal and not even talking about it. It was just scary for me I guess.

While having dinner, I finally told her, "I love you." and she replied, "I love you, too." Being plain bitchy, I snapped at her... "Hmph! You love me but you were breaking up with me last night?!" Then she told me the real deal... She was just getting back at me for some things I did and said (or should I say, did not say???) a few days back. Oh well, I guess I was a victim of my own emotions and my inability to handle them well...

Rewind...

This has been going on for like a month now. Normally, she's the one who's always masungit and I'm the one who's more forgiving and understanding. But I guess with all the stress from work or perhaps I was just fed up with her, I began to be more bitchy and I would now talk back when she snaps at me for whatever reason (I usually keep quiet). I've also become more vocal about the things I hate about her... how she's such a bully sometimes and all that. In short, I got tired. I started asking myself if this is really the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. As I always say, our relationship is a constant battle between Bad Girl and Control Freak... and this time, I guess Bad Girl just wants out... I was seriously considering giving up on us. But the truth is, I CAN'T DO IT!!! I'm too scared to even try... (do I hear clucking??? Oh well, I deserve it...) I know it's just a phase...

Then one night, we were teasing each other about the gross things we do... then she said, "Hmph! So you want to break with me 'cause I'm disgusting?!" And with a serious tone, I replied, "Ok." She asked me if I was serious and until last night, I just tell her, "I don't know... Maybe... " Ok, I did that not because I wanted to torture her or anything... it's just that, I'm sooooo thinking it but I know... as in, I'm SURE that I can NEVER mean it.

Ever heard about karma? So there, she got irritated and finally told me that she doesn't need me to answer and that she's deciding for us... and of course, her decision was for us to take the joke seriously. Knowing how mean she could get, I was hurt because she likes doing that. I don't know why but sometimes, breaking up seems so easy for her. Until I had to leave for work, I was asking her what was that about... if she means that or if she was just getting back at me or whatever... but she never gave me a serious response but a shrug and an oh so sarcastic "I don't know... Maybe..." (TORTURE!!!!)

So there... that was how I got victimized by my own emotions and my inability to handle them... I guess in my effort not to let the negativity explode, everything just blew up on my face. The toughest part of it all is knowing how mean she could get. As I've said, she handles break ups reaaaallll well and that scares me. When she's tired, she's really tired... and I've already experienced that cruelty early this year and trust me, it was really traumatic.

Well, she did apologize for making me cry... I should say that was kinda sweet. Somehow, I also felt guilty because though she didn't say it, I guess my joke about breaking up with her did hurt her too somehow. As the cliche goes... jokes are half meant.

So here I am at work again after our fabulous dinner... ready to battle with stress for at least one final night this week, the same way that the story of Bad Girl versus Control Freak continues... and yes, we did have that hot chocolate... and it was oh so yummy! :)