The Sound of My Silence

I've been losing my voice a lot lately, it's pathetic. Pathetic because I'm a call center agent for crying out loud! Being voiceless in this industry is like having a broken TV as an ornament around the house -- it's there but it's not doing what it's supposed to do, it's just so stupid. It's bad enough that I have to once again spend heaps of money on new meds but to further ruin my far-from-perfect stats, it's just -- arrrgggh!!!

Last Wednesday, my right nostril lost its virginity to the ENT doctor when he checked on everything that needs to be checked. After three endoscopies by three different doctors -- all of which were just through my mouth, no one has really given me any information that would explain the recurrence of my voice suddenly getting hoarse, which eventually leads to voicelessness. It's always laryngitis or some sort of allergy but nothing about nodules of sorts.

My last consultation was a way different experience because I learned a lot of new things about the anatomy of my tonsils, adenoids, etc. I learned that just because I don't have goo dripping out of my nose, doesn't mean I don't have colds. In addition, I apparently have really large tonsils. The doctor wondered if this was the first time I've been told that I have really large tonsils. I said I'm not sure because doctors would normally tell me I have enlarged tonsils because that's pretty much what the problem is at the time -- sheesh, confusing. As it turned out, it may even have something to do with my snoring, which my partner swears to have increased in decibels lately. Imagine my pathetic tonsils flapping as I unknowingly struggle to breathe during my sleep... well, that's just me visualizing it, nothing the doctor said or anything. So there, I have a new drug to add to my ever-expanding list of daily vitamins. It's an antibiotic this time. In fairness, it wasn't as expensive as I expected.

Oh and yeah, I do have a nodule on my vocal cord. Which then warrants a few more days of ABSOLUTE VOICE REST. And yes, the keyword is absolute, which is really difficult and thus brings me to the point of this post...

I've been realizing a lot of stuff since I've been having these brief periods of absolute voice rest. It's weird, it's like you're meditating in the middle of chaos... like you're withdrawn or something as everybody else gets on with their lives. On the way home from the doctor, I spent an awful lot of time stressing about my tonsils. If things don't get smaller by next week, the doctor might have to consider tonsillectomy, which would obviously require a lot of rest days post-op. I just feel that now is not the best time for such hassles. I do intend to improve my stats and work towards better things. I am tired of taking calls and I do miss being a QA. For some reason, the sound of my silence made my ambitious, driven voice to stand out. For so long, I've been feeling like an under-acheiver, enjoying scenes from the backseat as everyone else drives. But now, I've finally made the decision to actually set goals and intend to achieve them. It's a bit unusual for me to feel this way because opportunities pretty much come my way and all I had to do was grab them. It's very rare that I plan and prepare in case an opportunity comes along. I'm glad that I'm hearing this voice now.

Another thing that I'm glad to hear is the sound of new company. Since I got sick, I've been doing some offline functions together with my other sickly colleagues. It's nice to be with a new set of people, to know more about them and to learn new things from them.

Lastly, it feels great to hear your heart's truest desires... the ones no amount of wealth can afford. In my silence, my heart screamed for the love of my life -- for she's the only one who can comfort me and can take my pains away; In my silence, I was able to hear the childish laughter within me that enjoys the company of my Mommy and Daddy as I am their one and only little girl or when I'm big sister to my cuddly feline siblings; And in my silence, I was able to once again hear the familiar chatter only the best of friends could share, knowing where we last left off, no matter how long it has been.

Now is not the best time for hassles like these... which is a really funny thing to say because I've never had so much fun in my life for a long time until these hassles happened... Maybe, now is the best time...