The Sound of My Silence

I've been losing my voice a lot lately, it's pathetic. Pathetic because I'm a call center agent for crying out loud! Being voiceless in this industry is like having a broken TV as an ornament around the house -- it's there but it's not doing what it's supposed to do, it's just so stupid. It's bad enough that I have to once again spend heaps of money on new meds but to further ruin my far-from-perfect stats, it's just -- arrrgggh!!!

Last Wednesday, my right nostril lost its virginity to the ENT doctor when he checked on everything that needs to be checked. After three endoscopies by three different doctors -- all of which were just through my mouth, no one has really given me any information that would explain the recurrence of my voice suddenly getting hoarse, which eventually leads to voicelessness. It's always laryngitis or some sort of allergy but nothing about nodules of sorts.

My last consultation was a way different experience because I learned a lot of new things about the anatomy of my tonsils, adenoids, etc. I learned that just because I don't have goo dripping out of my nose, doesn't mean I don't have colds. In addition, I apparently have really large tonsils. The doctor wondered if this was the first time I've been told that I have really large tonsils. I said I'm not sure because doctors would normally tell me I have enlarged tonsils because that's pretty much what the problem is at the time -- sheesh, confusing. As it turned out, it may even have something to do with my snoring, which my partner swears to have increased in decibels lately. Imagine my pathetic tonsils flapping as I unknowingly struggle to breathe during my sleep... well, that's just me visualizing it, nothing the doctor said or anything. So there, I have a new drug to add to my ever-expanding list of daily vitamins. It's an antibiotic this time. In fairness, it wasn't as expensive as I expected.

Oh and yeah, I do have a nodule on my vocal cord. Which then warrants a few more days of ABSOLUTE VOICE REST. And yes, the keyword is absolute, which is really difficult and thus brings me to the point of this post...

I've been realizing a lot of stuff since I've been having these brief periods of absolute voice rest. It's weird, it's like you're meditating in the middle of chaos... like you're withdrawn or something as everybody else gets on with their lives. On the way home from the doctor, I spent an awful lot of time stressing about my tonsils. If things don't get smaller by next week, the doctor might have to consider tonsillectomy, which would obviously require a lot of rest days post-op. I just feel that now is not the best time for such hassles. I do intend to improve my stats and work towards better things. I am tired of taking calls and I do miss being a QA. For some reason, the sound of my silence made my ambitious, driven voice to stand out. For so long, I've been feeling like an under-acheiver, enjoying scenes from the backseat as everyone else drives. But now, I've finally made the decision to actually set goals and intend to achieve them. It's a bit unusual for me to feel this way because opportunities pretty much come my way and all I had to do was grab them. It's very rare that I plan and prepare in case an opportunity comes along. I'm glad that I'm hearing this voice now.

Another thing that I'm glad to hear is the sound of new company. Since I got sick, I've been doing some offline functions together with my other sickly colleagues. It's nice to be with a new set of people, to know more about them and to learn new things from them.

Lastly, it feels great to hear your heart's truest desires... the ones no amount of wealth can afford. In my silence, my heart screamed for the love of my life -- for she's the only one who can comfort me and can take my pains away; In my silence, I was able to hear the childish laughter within me that enjoys the company of my Mommy and Daddy as I am their one and only little girl or when I'm big sister to my cuddly feline siblings; And in my silence, I was able to once again hear the familiar chatter only the best of friends could share, knowing where we last left off, no matter how long it has been.

Now is not the best time for hassles like these... which is a really funny thing to say because I've never had so much fun in my life for a long time until these hassles happened... Maybe, now is the best time...

One thing I hate about Filipinos

There are a lot of things to love and hate about the Philippines and its people. Don't get me wrong... I love my country and I love being a Filipino, but I'm not blind to its many, many, many flaws. I just hope we'd do better, you know? Or at least aspire to be better!

Recently, my partner and I became active in an Asian forum. Actually, it's for The Amazing Race Asia. As you can imagine, the forumers are from different backgrounds, having different languages and all, yet everyone are so passionate to talk about the show and their teams. Now what I hate about Filipinos is their penchant to use their native tongue without any regard to other members of the community. They all talk in Filipino as if it's an exclusively Filipino forum. To make matters worse, they don't listen even if you bring this to their attention (which another member already tried doing). What a real shame.... And take note, members from other countries don't do this! They all post in English... no matter how confusing the grammar is. It's really embarrassing!

So one day, I got totally pissed and fed up so I posted a new thread about this... and this is what happened... Seriously, I didn't expect some Filipinos to be so fucking insensitive and narrow-minded!!!:

************************

WEIRD PINOY PRIDE
BadGirLjeL

Show your Pinoy Pride by spelling your country's name correctly. it's PHILIPPINES -- NOT PHILLIPINES.

Also, show your pride by being respectful. This is not an exclusively Filipino site/forum so practice proper decorum by speaking in English so everyone understands.

Yes, I'm a prude, I'm a goody-two-shoes and I'm a bitch. So deal with it. And yes, it's all because I'm proud to be a Filipino and wouldn't want others to think we're all rude.

*****

From: slith6

oh common biatch..(according to yu maam)...were playing a game and just establishing some tactics here..were not disrespecting anyone mistreating other countries or whatever negative you might have sensed..I, on the other hand am just pushing natinal pride..its not wrong to be proud of what I am.. If you're ashamed to be a noypi then go humiliate urself

*****

From: ethel09

see who's rude now...ur the one who naming urself as a badgirl a bitch..you think your proud of yourself?maybe...but no one proud of you...see u dont have a face to see everyone...BITCH...AS YOU SAY...

*****

From: BadGirLjeL

Whatever...

So you're just thinking about the race? Not my problem. I've read so many threads where people in other countries are already asking what langauge is being used and to kindly use English, but noooooo!!! Nobody cares! So go ahead with all your tactics... IT IS A RACE. it's natural for people to strategize. But when discussing GENERAL TOPICS like the rules, comments on the route markers, even the show and the teams themselves, etc EVERYBODY has the right to join in... But how can everyone do that if they don't understand the language?

And don't tell me about NATIONAL PRIDE because that's exactly my point. Obviously, you're too narrow-minded to understand.

*****

From: BadGirLjeL

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Go and take it out on my nick, my avatar, etc.

Obviously, you're not catching my drift. Again, not my problem. Nonetheless, I wish you all the best for the race 'cause that's what we're here for. I was just giving you something to think about... your choice to interpret it a million ways. HAVE A GREAT LIFE! =)

*****

From: ethel09

as you say bitch.....

*****

From: cancerous

badgirljel huh...making corrections?you also have flaws bitch....even english people dont have proper english...common sense plz..maybe the other country asking what language is being used..it doesnt mean wrong spelling or grammar its all because they dont talk or even rigth english...

*****

From: cancerous

your the only one who dont care ,...coz ur a bitch.. maybe u read a wrong thread...ha ha ha....

*****

From: BadGirLjeL

Well, at least I'm well aware that I'M A BITCH... It's futile to keep on repeating the obvious.


Obviously, NONE of the people who've made comments on this thread understands my point. It's not even about using proper English... actually, that's precisely the point. GRAMMAR IS TOTALLY IRRELEVANT -- It's using the language that EVERYONE will understand as it is our common ground, knowing we came from different countries, having our own native languages. And it's weird, pointing out I have flaws, considering I didn't claim to be perfect. I truly find it amazing (no pun intended) that it has become a personal attack... I mean, how immature! Hahahaha!

P.S.
Thanks for making my efforts succeed. See how you're all writing in English now (well, at least in this thread)?! At least now everyone will understand! That's all I wanted in the first place.

P.P.S.
Have a nice life!

*****

From: cancerous

ah...we cant understand you maybe ur from outer space....

*****

From: BadGirLjeL

BWhahahahaahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!

|BadGirl`JeL|'s Secrets to Having a Perfect Attendance (Updated)

Let me begin by saying that yes, I'm writing this from the office, but no, I'm not on the clock. I'm currently having my lunch break -- check your system -- I logged out at 9:30AM. So there.

I'm so happy that we're already halfway through the month and I haven't missed a single day of work. It's been months since I've last done that (have I ever?!) This means I've been healthier than usual, which is truly an amazing feat. So let me share my secrets to all of you who are aspiring the same success:

* Nasal spray for seasonal allergic rhinitis (which by the way has a Php987 price tag -- good for a month)
* Oral rinse for sore throat or lozenges in case I'm out and about
* Eye gel for recurrent corneal erosion
* Otic drops for otitis media
* Antacid for hyperacidity
* Hormone treatment for cycle problems and other aches and pains associated with said problem

Etcetera:
* Small meals or light snacks every 2-3 hours (I've italicized the words small and light because they're relative -- hehe!)
* Cat naps every chance I get
* Voice rest after work and during weekends
* Salabat or Ginger brew
* Self-discipline to keep myself from cleaning my ears with cotton buds after every bath
* Self-control to only drink caffeinated drinks twice to thrice a week tops
* Regular visits to my OB-GYN

Repost-worthy: My thoughts on bisexuality

Someone from the #Tibok Message Board started a thread regarding bisexuality and I can't help but reply. Just thought the topic is worth sharing here in my blog as I find it interesting being a straight lesbian (what the f---?!). It's a fresh post and so far, I'm the only one who has replied as of press time so click here if you wish to know the latest on the said thread.

having a relationship with a bi-woman..
Isn’t it pretty stressful.. they have wider range of options and competetion is more tough. And I guess for some reasons (and I beg to disagree that sexual satisfaction is one of them!) they prefer boys over us. Sometimes it makes me feel like m just being used to fill up what men can’t satisfy and then leave me when they’re done… whew! Am I sailing alone here?... anyone?

My thoughts on bisexuality
I myself have always been fascinated with bisexual people -- not just bisexual women, but men as well... as I fondly call them, double-dippers and double-dippees... Hehehe! =p

You're right... sex may be a major factor for them to prefer one over the other. What fascinates me the most though is how they make that decision relationshipwise. I've always believed that bisexuality is loving someone for the soul... more than the labels, more than the equipment -- pretty much how we lesbians have the conservative butch-femme setup versus the femme-to-femme or even butch-to-butch arrangement. But nonetheless, I can't help but wonder how it all goes inside their heads. Of course, some may have to resort to bisexuality to fulfill certain familial obligations -- to keep an image of being normal and deliver a conventional life as an adult. On the flipside, I remember some people saying that bisexuality is a term confused people use for being unable to decide on what they really want. But then again, aren't all these just labels? Maybe in the end, we are indeed just human beings loving another human being -- regardless of the package or the equipment.

And then again, there is that angle of being on the other side of the relationship road. How it's like to be an option... I sometimes wonder how weird it must to be, to feel paranoid not knowing who the competition really is! Hahaha! Will you get jealous over the guy from work, or should you watch out for her closer-than-close girlfriend? Hmmmmm... ;)

I'm baaaaaacccckkkk!!!

After over a year of being in hiatus, I think I'm starting to get my groove back. Probably because I miss my glory days of being on top of things, proving that I can do wonders just when people think I can only deliver a mediocre performance.

For the entire month of October, I've been able to (finally) achieve more-than-acceptable quality marks, I haven't been majorly sick except for some voiceless days, and lastly, I think I'm starting to develop better call control skills that doesn't result to heated arguments and further call escalation.

Even more fulfilling, at least at a personal level, is that I've been able to post some fresh content on my blog -- even updated my Blogger profile -- and trust me, my brain won't stop buzzing with all these new thoughts and ideas so I'm looking forward to writing more entries soon. In addition, I've started posting some stuff in the #Tibok Message Board again, which I haven't done in such a long time -- and even managed our Friendster account and Friendster Groups! Now that's what I call making my presence felt! =)

Curiosity might kill the cat

Yeah, I know, I'm generally weird. I sometimes think about things normal people won't waste their time on. But seriously, ever had one of those days when you have all those burning questions you want to ask people but are too afraid to ask because they're either rude or intrusive or just downright inappropriate or well, stupid?

Not to be nosy or anything, but I do have a penchant for learning new things and new ideas from people who are very different from me. I love listening to other people's accounts of how it is being "unlike me"... I'm fascinated by the fact that somehow, I can see the world through their eyes... Of course, I'm not talking about wanting to be them or even like them (although honestly, a simple "what if" would sometimes cross my mind or a twinge of envy would hit me for a split second). I just want to know... to simply undertand and learn... So, here's my personal list of stuff I truly want to know about other people but would never ever ask... not in this lifetime!

* How does it feel to be beautiful and have everyone around you admire your beauty? Have you always known that you're beautiful?

* How does it feel to be really really intelligent? Is it true that it's boring? Do you sometimes feel like doing something evil, knowing you can get away with it anyway (just like in the movies)?

* How does it feel to be an unwed or a single mother who's always searching for the right one whom your child can call "Dad"? Do you believe in making it alone or do you think it's a requirement to have a man in your life?

* How does it feel to be a slut? Aren't you ever afraid of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease/infection? Aren't you afraid that no one really respects you anymore because they only see you for the slut that you are and nothing more?

* How does it feel having sex with someone at least twice your age? Doesn't it feel like fucking your own mom/dad?

* How does it feel being a transvestite? Don't you sometimes feel afraid that someone out there would hurt you? Would you say that there's more or less discrimination here in the Philippines than say, the US based on what we sometimes see on TV regarding hate crimes? What can you describe as a manifestation of discrimation here in the Philippines?

* How does it feel being rich? Do you oftentimes think you're actually better than most people because you have more money? Do you think you can live without your wealth without going insane? Do you think you deserve to be this lucky in life?

* How does it feel being a porn star? When did you realize you wanted to be one? Is this something you actually aspire to be at an early age?

* How does it feel to be player? Is it something you desire to be, much like a reputation you simply want to uphold or is it something that just happens? Apart from the sex, what do you seriously gain from it?

* How does it feel being a user? Are you even aware that you're one? How do you esteem someone as usable? Why the fuck are you doing this to other people? Do you feel the slightest remorse when you exploit innocent people?

*How does it feel being a liar? What's so bad about your life that you have to cover things up with fancy stories that aren't even half-true? Do you realize how pathetic it is to lie about the simplest things? Do you understand how disgusting you are for saying all those horrible, horrible lies?

* How does it feel being a BITCH? Is this some sort of lifelong mission to have everyone hate you just because? Are you aware that you're a bitch? How the fuck are you able to sleep at night knowing there are a lot -- and I really mean a lot of people who hate your guts? Do you think that because you're a bitch you're actully better than most people? Assuming you'll have some moment of enlightenment in the future, do you think people should give you a second chance?