Independence Day

Manila, Philippines. Independence Day 2005. I spent the day with my girlfriend (no, not my female friend, but a woman who happens to be my significant other) and my older sister (with whom I'm not related with, but consider to be a big sister nonetheless) in Starbucks. Nothing unusual. In fact, we enjoy having such days – just hanging around talking about anything and everything under sun. Then suddenly, I just blurted it out – "I love being fat." From there, my motor mouth went on non-stop. I explained how I can't let go of the "fat lifestyle." I am not being a hypocrite of any sort. Seriously though, aside from the fact that I miss wearing the slutty clothes I'm used to wearing way back God-knows-how-long ago, there's barely anything else that I miss now that I've grown a lot bigger. I've been fat ever since I was a kid. But back then, I was just chubby – now, oh my gawd! I AM FAT.

Then my big sister started telling me that maybe I don't really need a total lifestyle overhaul. Maybe we just need to tweak into certain aspects of it – like less food intake and moving more. But to follow a certain diet, she explained I even eat healthier than she does. I also explained that I don't want to be unhealthy forever -- it's just that I'm not ready to let go of the lifestyle that goes with it just yet. Maybe I'll start when I'm 30. Then I decided, maybe I'll start when I'm 25. I'll be 25 in exactly 2 months.

From there, we started talking about me getting a new job that would go with my work-from-home job as a freelance web content writer. I finally admitted to my wife that ever since I resigned from my 3-year job as a Quality Assurance Analyst in a call center, I've been wondering what else I can do and even suspect that I've started to have lower self-esteem! Thank God for my wife, she encouraged me to look for other jobs that's entirely different from quality, not in a call center, may not involve writing just so I'll figure out what else I can do and where else I'm good at. If it doesn't work out, resign and find something else again. My big sister then remembered about our plan from a couple of years back about setting up a food business that's all about mushrooms. She told me that she has a friend who incidentally grows mushrooms and could thus be our supplier. She drafted a short, very informal marketing plan and reminded me that most important thing of all is for me to set a deadline for myself – to at least have mini, short-term goals. That way, I wouldn't be wasting any time and would slowly but surely move forward.

When it was time to go home, I realized that it has been some sort of a personal independence day for me. I figured, sometimes, we need to free ourselves from ourselves. I didn't want to tell others that I'm okay with all my adipose glory for fear that I might be judged as someone who make lousy choices, or that my fear of getting into a new career might be mistaken for being a slacker and that I'm just not trying hard enough. I then realized that I needed help resolving these issues but the problem was, I have been censoring myself non-stop. I try to resolve them on my own, not knowing that the mere fact that I don't want to talk about them is tantamount to not facing it at all.

Independence Day 2005 – the day I started to free myself. But as in all forms of freedom, I know I'm not yet there. I still have to put everything into action and when I've reached my goals, only then will I feel totally free…

June 13, 2005; Holiday Monday
Starbucks Araneta