I Don't Want To Let Go If I Have To

I wanted a gaming steering wheel for my birthday. I figured, no small party with a few friends this year -- just a box of pizza and a couple of bottles of beer for me and my wife and we'll spend two to three days playing Need for Speed Underground 2 with a cool Logitech wheel. That was my birthday gameplan until my feline brother, Kuya Taba got sick.

One day, he just stopped eating and it went on for a couple more days. He started to grow thin and weak. He won't stop crying. My Mom thought he was just asking for food after skipping a main meal. She tried offering different things -- tuna with rice, plain tuna, Friskies dry cat food, Friskies wet cat food -- all to no avail. My Mom said it's because of his gum problems. She's not as worried though be because he's still drinking a lot of water and even drinking a lot of milk.

Last week, I finally told my Mom to bring him to the vet because he won't stop crying even though his voice has become somewhat hoarse. The vet, who was amazed to know that Kuya Taba has been with us for over 10 years now (that's roughly 56 human years), said he's dehydrated. She put him on dextrose through which she also gave him antibiotics for his gums. He started to eat a little, as long as you don't give him the same kind of food for two consecutive meals. He was then confined in the vet for the next five days or so. I was looking forward to seeing him well as usual, just like when Shammy got confined for three days and gotten fat since the time she was discharged. Last Friday, I visited him and I was so surprised to see that he hasn't improved much. He still looked sick and weak.

Today, Mom brought him home. She said he hasn't eaten again and he still looks very weak, he cannot even stand. What bothers me most is the look in his eyes. They've grown deep, almost empty. Like he has gone blind. I know those eyes... I saw them before. It was exactly how DJ's eyes looked like before she passed away January this year. Even my Dad said it doesn't look like Kuya will last that long, he's very, very old. I'm deeply bothered... I'm not ready to let go of my baby boy if I have to. Millie told me to stop crying -- after all, he's still here. She also said he may be sensing that I'm sad and that wouldn't help. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I'm trying my best to be realistic, to be ready, to let go if I need to. I don't think I can. He's my best boy, as much as DJ was my best girl. I can't believe I may be losing both of them this year. Yeah, I know... they're all getting old (DJ was 9 when she passed, which is around 52 in human years), but I can't help but wonder how come Ate Jules, who's the oldest of them all at over 11 years (approximately 60 human years) is still very strong and healthy. As much as I am grateful, for me it doesn't make sense.

When DJ suddenly fell ill and died three days later, my Mom and I blamed ourselves for not bringing her to the vet sooner. We feel awful because it happened during the holidays. The vet went away and DJ died the day before we meant to bring her in. To this day, I still believe that it could've made a difference. Looking at Kuya now, I feel cheated. I feel that I'm doing what I can, and yet he's here, old, tired and weak... dying. Like it wouldn't make a difference. It's weird, I thought it would feel better, but it feels just as bad.

I know not many people can understand how I feel right now. Some may even be thinking, "What's with her, getting so upset over a cat???" Well, they happen to be family. Over the years, they've become a major part of our lives. They've always been there for me... the same way one's siblings would. Kuya Taba has always been my favorite. We have a lot of memories together... 10 years worth of memories.

When I wake up later and the mornings after that, I know I'm going to be nervous each time. I don't want to wake up to see my Mom crying. I don't want to hear her say it. I don't want to let go if I have to... I've already changed my birthday gameplan. I don't need any wheel, I've decided to spend on my baby brother's vet bills instead... such a small price to pay for my baby brother's new lease in life. All I want for my birthday is for Kuya to be well... Please get well, Kuya...

New Crush

I was just watching TV... the usual. I got curious when I saw the reality show 'Shear Genius' was on. And then I saw this dyke-ish stylist, which oh-so reminded me of the great Shane McCutcheon. I had to google her up. And there I learned her name... Sally Hershberger. She's apparently this big stylist to the star. Meg Ryan's famous do, the 'Sally Shag' was her brainchild, and get this: She does hair for $800.

It was also rumored that she was in fact the inspiration for Shane McCutcheon's character. It's creepy. Not only do they have the same vibe, they look pretty similar. Now I have something new to watch... Ahhh, women... Love them.

Short-term Wishlist

1. For Mommy Mercee's heart to be ok so she can check out of the hospital.
2. For Kuya Taba's gums to heal so he can eat better and regularly. He's been confined in the vet for three days now and he has grown very weak and thin.
3. For Millie and I to be scheduled on earlier trainings so our holidays plans would not get ruined.
4. For our cable service to come back on so I can continue watching TV after working.

Wired

I'm never without my cables. Mobile phone to PC, mp3 player/flash drive/card reader to PC, external hard drive to PC, PDA to PC... I'm always connected. My cables have become my virtual umbilical cord, like a cyberlifeline -- like I would die if I ever get cut off.

Like an unborn fetus, I feed off computer and the world wide web... absorbing information, seeking for entertainment, making a connection just so I can feel alive. I love being wired.

Eventually

Eventually, I'll be ok. The voices will stop, the nausea will subside, and I will be sane again.
Until then, I'll be walking around like a hormonal zombie with the weirdest of mood swings. This too will pass, and I'll be ok again... Eventually.
Go ahead, say it over and over like a mantra. Go ahead and pehaps, you'd eventually convince yourself.

Nobody Cares What I Think

I would’ve bitched my ass off in this blog and no one would’ve noticed.  I would’ve threatened to commit a criminal act and no one would’ve cared.  No one can be bothered by my shit.

I can’t stand this.  Everything is white noise.  I just stopped caring.

It’s always show time for me.  The curtains never fall; I never get to take a bow.  Crap.

Of all the people I know who claims they are happy, I wonder how many of them is actually telling the truth.  Some people have a lot of things going for them and yet they can never be satisfied.  Then there are those people who would give their all for any semblance of happiness but all they get is shit.  And let us not forget people like me – the uncertain, the blind, those who couldn’t care less. 

I want to disappear.  I used to think I was happy.  Well, I was, until I saw the truth.  It’s the truth I couldn’t bear.  As much as I couldn’t stand it, I’m not ready to let go of the lies.  The signs have always been there; I just ignored them all.  I tried to cope.  I even developed an understanding for people’s addiction.  I have my own.  I changed.  Shit, I was such a fucking sell out.  I’m turning into them.  Disgusting.

I’m just grateful that I have someone – my own personal shrink.  I just wish she can also give me drugs.  Hahaha.  A virtual laugh – even that was fake.  How frustrating.

This is all too weird for me.  I sincerely thought I have found a sense of stability.  Turns out, I don’t know myself too well.  What a surprise.  I mean, does anybody?  Well, people tend to assume they do… assume or pretend, I’m not sure.  Either way, they would eventually sabotage themselves.  Classic.  Not only am I a sell out, I’m become stereotypical.

In the meantime, just smile.  It apparently helps stop the gag reflex.

Millie and Jel's Relationship: Explained

My wife and I laughed to death while reading this. It was like reading about our life! I bet our friends will agree once they read this... =)
_____________________________

Your compatibility

The following personality types have been compared:

Groundbreaking Thinker: extroverted, theoretical, logical, spontaneous, rational, innovative, intellectual, open, independent, curious, enterprising, analytical, clever, enthusiastic, venturesome, inventive, energetic, sociable, optimistic, non-conformist, creative, freedom-loving, charming, able to get enthusiastic, self-confident, communicative, capricious, inconsistent, outgoing

Independent Thinker: introverted, theoretical, logical, planning, rational, independent, intellectual, self-confident, analytical, structured, dogged, witty, resolute, self-critical, visionary, inventive, independent, unsociable, reserved, nonconformist, quiet, visionary, honest, demanding, hardworking

Compatibility analysis

You have two type preferences in common, which still guarantees a good deal of similarity in many ways (and therefore a comfortable relationship). On the other hand, you have to handle more or less serious conflicts which usually arise from your differences on the other two preferences. Try to balance the joys and frustrations of your partnership and bear in mind that learning from each other is more helpful than fighting each other!

Your different social needs may create some frustrations in your relationship. While the introverted partner is content to maintain a small group of close friends and likes to spend a lot of time on his own, often lost in his thoughts, the extroverted partner desperately hungers for contact, social interaction and being engaged in a variety of activities. The extroverted may feel frustrated by his partner‘s need to retreat from everyone - even from the one he loves. The introverted, in return, may be overwhelmed by his partner‘s quick and sometimes impatient way of communication. So you both tend to end up in a cat-and-mouse game: the extroverted chasing the introverted, constantly asking questions like „how do you feel?“, „a penny for your thoughts!“ or „do you still love me?“ ... Try to respect these differences rather than to fight them and learn to appreciate your partner‘s special strenghts as a potential completion of yours.

The sharing of the second preference - „intuition“ - guarantees a very special intellectual connection between the two of you. You are both driven by a unique perspective and a vision of how the world could be. Hours will pass unnoticed, while you plunge into deep discussions about your ideas, theories, possibilities, the meaning of life, and a thousand other things - these are usually your best times together. You love and admire each other‘s creativity and ingenuity and never fail to inspire each other. Since neither of you pays close attention to routine or mundane details, practical matters such as paying bills, maintaining the home or taking the car to the long-overdue inspection may often be neglected - but who cares! You are perfectly happy together in your world full of stimulating and challenging debates and fantasies and don‘t give a damn about everyday bits and pieces.

As you share the third type preference - „thinking“ - you both favor decisions that are made in a logical and objective way. Neither of you is easily offended, so you may speak your minds honestly and can usually receive constructive criticism in the spirit in which it is intended. No need to „walk on eggs“ to avoid hurting each others‘ feelings! On the contrary, both of you enjoy good-natured teasing and neither of you takes it personally, you even like the sometimes competitive aspect of your relationship. If necessary, both of you are able to make tough decisions, and unless you are very stressed, you both tend to remain calm, unemotional and objective even during heated and stimulated discussions - a great base for a respectful and enduring relationship as conflicts can be solved in a very solution oriented way.

The difference between you regarding the fourth type preference is the source of probably most of your day-to-day conflicts. While the „judging“ one has a strong need for order, in-time management of things and accountability, the „perceiving“ one doesn‘t give a damn about clutter on the kitchen counter, overdue bills or the piles of cloth in the bedroom. This can cause constant frustration on both sides: the judging one feels irritated by the way the perceiving one makes promises he can‘t keep, leaves projects half-finished and constantly messes up rooms and plans. In return, the perceiving one often feels critized and nagged about details he sees as irrelevant or silly and sometimes resists plans and organization simply to fight the idea of being stuck in a cage. Try to find a compromise to reduce the annoying little fights and debates resulting from this difference: meet halfway between the spontaneous chaos of the perceiving and the strict order of the judging one and keep in mind that none of you wants to offend the other deliberately by his behaviour.

Now This Is A Very Precise (and rather creepy) Description of Millie's Personality

Independent Thinker (IT)

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Independent Thinkers are analytical and witty persons. They are normally self-confident and do not let themselves get worked up by conflicts and criticism. They are very much aware of their own strengths and have no doubts about their abilities. People of this personality type are often very successful in their career as they have both competence and purposefulness. Independent Thinkers are excellent strategists; logic, systematics and theoretical considerations are their world. They are eager for knowledge and always endeavour to expand and perfect their knowledge in any area which is interesting for them. Abstract thinking comes naturally to them; scientists and computer specialists are often of this type.

Independent Thinkers are specialists in their area. The development of their ideas and visions is important to them; they love being as flexible as possible and, ideally, of being able to work alone because they often find it a strain having to make their complex trains of thought understandable to other people. Independent Thinkers cannot stand routine. Once they consider an idea to be good it is difficult to make them give it up; they pursue the implementation of that idea obstinately and persistently, also in the face of external opposition.

Independent Thinkers are not the type who easily comes out of his shell. Speaking about their emotional life is also not one of their strong points. Anyway, social relationships are not particularly important to them; they are happy with just a few, close friends who find it easy to share their intellectual world. They find it difficult to establish new ties. In love, they need a lot of space and independence but this does not mean that their partner is not important to them. Independent Thinkers often make a cool and reserved impression on others; but this impression is deceptive: they can hardly bear it if people close to them should reject them. They prefer a harmonious, balanced relationship with a partner who shares their interests and with whom they can realise their visions.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, logical, planning, rational, independent, intellectual, self-confident, analytical, structured, dogged, witty, resolute, self-critical, visionary, inventive, independent, unsociable, reserved, nonconformist, quiet, visionary, honest, demanding, hardworking

These subjects could interest you

art, jazz, classical music, science fiction, computer, drawing/painting, spiritual matters, meditation, handicraft, writing, strategic games, politics

Now This Is A Very Precise (and rather creepy) Description of Millie's Personality

Independent Thinker (IT)

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Independent Thinkers are analytical and witty persons. They are normally self-confident and do not let themselves get worked up by conflicts and criticism. They are very much aware of their own strengths and have no doubts about their abilities. People of this personality type are often very successful in their career as they have both competence and purposefulness. Independent Thinkers are excellent strategists; logic, systematics and theoretical considerations are their world. They are eager for knowledge and always endeavour to expand and perfect their knowledge in any area which is interesting for them. Abstract thinking comes naturally to them; scientists and computer specialists are often of this type.

Independent Thinkers are specialists in their area. The development of their ideas and visions is important to them; they love being as flexible as possible and, ideally, of being able to work alone because they often find it a strain having to make their complex trains of thought understandable to other people. Independent Thinkers cannot stand routine. Once they consider an idea to be good it is difficult to make them give it up; they pursue the implementation of that idea obstinately and persistently, also in the face of external opposition.

Independent Thinkers are not the type who easily comes out of his shell. Speaking about their emotional life is also not one of their strong points. Anyway, social relationships are not particularly important to them; they are happy with just a few, close friends who find it easy to share their intellectual world. They find it difficult to establish new ties. In love, they need a lot of space and independence but this does not mean that their partner is not important to them. Independent Thinkers often make a cool and reserved impression on others; but this impression is deceptive: they can hardly bear it if people close to them should reject them. They prefer a harmonious, balanced relationship with a partner who shares their interests and with whom they can realise their visions.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, logical, planning, rational, independent, intellectual, self-confident, analytical, structured, dogged, witty, resolute, self-critical, visionary, inventive, independent, unsociable, reserved, nonconformist, quiet, visionary, honest, demanding, hardworking

These subjects could interest you

art, jazz, classical music, science fiction, computer, drawing/painting, spiritual matters, meditation, handicraft, writing, strategic games, politics

A Very Precise (and rather creepy) Description of My Personality

Groundbreaking Thinker (GT)

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Groundbreaking Thinkers are charming, enthusiastic persons. They really bubble over with energy and like to take centre stage. They love variety both professionally and privately. Groundbreaking Thinkers tackle changes consistently with their optimism and firm belief in their own abilities; they are always on the look-out for improvement possibilities. Their excellent communication skills are of great advantage to them here. They approach the world with curiosity and openness and master new situations with a great deal of talent for improvising and with resourcefulness. Their spare time is taken up with a large number of hobbies; most Groundbreaking Thinkers like to travel in order to gather as many different impressions as possible. This personality type is unbeatable at discovering new possibilities.

In their work, Groundbreaking Thinkers highly rate challenges and diversified tasks. They cannot stand routine and too detailed work. They love to astound others with bold ideas for an original, new project and then leave it up to the others to implement them. Hierarchies, rules and regulations arouse their opposition and they love outsmarting the system. It is vital to them that they enjoy their work; if this is the case, they quickly become pure workaholics. Their creativity best takes effect when they work independently; but they are very good at motivating others and infecting them with their optimistic nature. Conceptual or advisory activities appeal especially to Groundbreaking Thinkers. It can happen that some people feel somewhat duped by their flexible, spontaneous nature.

Their sociability and enterprise ensure that Groundbreaking Thinkers always have a large circle of friends and acquaintances in which activity plays an important role. As they are mostly in a good mood, they are popular and very welcome guests. Grumbling and peevishness are unknown to them. However, they do tend to be a little erratic and unstable when it comes to obligations and this makes them appear to be unreliable to some. Groundbreaking Thinkers are very critical and demanding when it comes to picking a partner because they look for the ideal relationship and have a very concrete picture of this ideal relationship. Mutual aims in life are very important to them. They do not like compromising and would rather remain alone. For the partner, it is often a challenge to have a long-term relationship with a Groundbreaking Thinker. Groundbreaking Thinkers need a lot of space and diversity or otherwise they become bored and feel cramped. Types who are rather more traditionalistic often have problems with the willingness of Groundbreaking Thinkers to take risks and their often crazy, spontaneous actions. However, if one can summon up sufficient flexibility and tolerance for them, one will never be bored in their presence and will always have a loyal and faithful partner.

What to do, what to do...

It's a weird feeling I'm having right now. How do I reconcile these identities?

Who I am
Who I want to be
Who I need to be

This is fucking crazy! Shit... I need an ice cold bottle of beer...

Goodbye, Bernard

It's so easy for us to joke about life and death.

When we finally see someone who has gone AWOL from our lives for some time, we say "O, buhay ka pa pala." with a hint of sarcasm. When things get tough and we feel like enough is enough, it's so easy to say, "Hay nako, patayin n'yo na lang ako!" in resignation.

Some months ago, when I ask my co-worker Bernard how he was, we would normally tell me, "Eto, buhay pa." And for Bernard, that is not a joke.

For the past year, Bernard battled with cancer and won... Or so we thought. Yesterday morning, Al Bernard Barrozo passed away. For some reason, I felt cheated.

Bernard is, well, was popular in the office. He's a tall, loud man with lots of friends. He's friendly and very easy to talk to. Everyone was so shocked when we first learned he had cancer. Everything happened so fast... from some mouth sores, they started announcing that he needs blood donors. I never really knew what his condition was but they said it's a rare form of blood cancer. He grew thin and weak. We thought that was it.

After a few months, he came back to work. He was also back to being his funny self with a smile for everyone he meets. I was proud of him. As much as he was thankful that he's still alive, he lived his life with hopes of having a future. He wanted to do well to get promoted, even wanted to get married and start a family. I liked that. I thought that was very brave of him.

Some time in June, he started losing his voice and always had tonsilitis. He also told me about swollen lymph nodes and a biopsy. I knew that wasn't good, but as always, I was hopeful. Until one day, my partner and I just noticed that he hasn't been around and that he's on LOA again. Yesterday morning, it happened.

In the next few days, his VB family will be visiting him. No, not in a hospital just like before, but in a place where we'll see him for the last time and say our goodbyes.

I'm glad to have known him. I'm honored to have learned something from him about life and death. Yes, life is precious and it can go by so fast. But death, no matter how close you come to it, should not kill you and your future until it actually does. Live, dream, love and hope. It ain't over until it's really over.

Goodbye, Bernard. Your VB family will never forget you.